Summary
- There is no one right way to support someone with a terminal illness.
- Ask what the person wants, respect her wishes, and never insist.
It can be hard to know what to do or what to say to a loved one who has a terminal illness. You may be afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Every person, relationship, and situation is different. Often, a comforting meal and friendship goes a long way.
Step one: Ask what the person wants
People who need help are sometimes treated as if they cannot speak or think for themselves. Your loved one is still here. Check with him before you do anything.
Meal:
Do: I want to make you a meal. Is there something specific you need or want to eat?
Don’t: Surprise! I brought you a six-foot sub!
Support:
Do: I want to do something for you. Would you like a visit this Tuesday or groceries dropped off?
Don’t: Surprise! I am here to keep you company.
Step two: Respect the person’s wishes
Remember that this is about your loved one. Grief is a natural reaction to loss. When a person has a terminal illness, we know we are going to lose him. Death of a loved one includes other losses, too, like a sense of security or future plans. Be sure your actions help your loved one with his physical or emotional needs. It is not fair to ask him to make you feel better about how you feel.
Meal:
Do: You love green bean casserole? Great. I will make that.
Don’t: Green bean casserole? Chicken soup makes me feel better. I will make that.
Support:
Do: You want to go to a movie? Great. Which one do you want to see?
Don’t: A movie? That sounds depressing. A day in the park is more fun. Let’s do that.
Step three: Encourage the person to talk, but do not insist
Some people need to talk about their situation as a way to cope. Some people prefer to talk about other things. They key is to practice active listening. Remember that the goal of listening is understanding. Pay attention when your loved one talks. Try not to judge what she is saying. Nod and respond in ways that let her know you understand what she is saying. You may not know what to say. Here are some examples of active listening responses:
- “Oh, I see.”
- “How did that make you feel?”
- “That sounds hard.”
- “I remember that.”
- “What else happened?”
- “I am here for you.”
It is also OK for you to talk about how you feel, but try to keep it positive. Tell him why you will miss him. For example, maybe you will miss how he laughs at your jokes or always knows when you need him. Remember the goal is to help your loved one. Talk with other people or a professional about your own grief.
Meal:
Do: Do you want any more soup? I made it the way you like it.
Don’t: You only had one bowl of soup. You need more. Here, eat this, too.
Support:
Do: How was your last doctor’s visit? Do you want to talk about it?
Don’t: You did not tell me about your doctor’s visit. I deserve to know what is going on.
It is not always easy to know how to help a loved one with a terminal illness. There is no way to guess the right things to do or say. You do not want to mix up their needs with your own during this hard time. Thinking of support like a meal can help you give your loved one what she wants and needs.
Summary
- There is no one right way to support someone with a terminal illness.
- Ask what the person wants, respect her wishes, and never insist.
It can be hard to know what to do or what to say to a loved one who has a terminal illness. You may be afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Every person, relationship, and situation is different. Often, a comforting meal and friendship goes a long way.
Step one: Ask what the person wants
People who need help are sometimes treated as if they cannot speak or think for themselves. Your loved one is still here. Check with him before you do anything.
Meal:
Do: I want to make you a meal. Is there something specific you need or want to eat?
Don’t: Surprise! I brought you a six-foot sub!
Support:
Do: I want to do something for you. Would you like a visit this Tuesday or groceries dropped off?
Don’t: Surprise! I am here to keep you company.
Step two: Respect the person’s wishes
Remember that this is about your loved one. Grief is a natural reaction to loss. When a person has a terminal illness, we know we are going to lose him. Death of a loved one includes other losses, too, like a sense of security or future plans. Be sure your actions help your loved one with his physical or emotional needs. It is not fair to ask him to make you feel better about how you feel.
Meal:
Do: You love green bean casserole? Great. I will make that.
Don’t: Green bean casserole? Chicken soup makes me feel better. I will make that.
Support:
Do: You want to go to a movie? Great. Which one do you want to see?
Don’t: A movie? That sounds depressing. A day in the park is more fun. Let’s do that.
Step three: Encourage the person to talk, but do not insist
Some people need to talk about their situation as a way to cope. Some people prefer to talk about other things. They key is to practice active listening. Remember that the goal of listening is understanding. Pay attention when your loved one talks. Try not to judge what she is saying. Nod and respond in ways that let her know you understand what she is saying. You may not know what to say. Here are some examples of active listening responses:
- “Oh, I see.”
- “How did that make you feel?”
- “That sounds hard.”
- “I remember that.”
- “What else happened?”
- “I am here for you.”
It is also OK for you to talk about how you feel, but try to keep it positive. Tell him why you will miss him. For example, maybe you will miss how he laughs at your jokes or always knows when you need him. Remember the goal is to help your loved one. Talk with other people or a professional about your own grief.
Meal:
Do: Do you want any more soup? I made it the way you like it.
Don’t: You only had one bowl of soup. You need more. Here, eat this, too.
Support:
Do: How was your last doctor’s visit? Do you want to talk about it?
Don’t: You did not tell me about your doctor’s visit. I deserve to know what is going on.
It is not always easy to know how to help a loved one with a terminal illness. There is no way to guess the right things to do or say. You do not want to mix up their needs with your own during this hard time. Thinking of support like a meal can help you give your loved one what she wants and needs.
Summary
- There is no one right way to support someone with a terminal illness.
- Ask what the person wants, respect her wishes, and never insist.
It can be hard to know what to do or what to say to a loved one who has a terminal illness. You may be afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Every person, relationship, and situation is different. Often, a comforting meal and friendship goes a long way.
Step one: Ask what the person wants
People who need help are sometimes treated as if they cannot speak or think for themselves. Your loved one is still here. Check with him before you do anything.
Meal:
Do: I want to make you a meal. Is there something specific you need or want to eat?
Don’t: Surprise! I brought you a six-foot sub!
Support:
Do: I want to do something for you. Would you like a visit this Tuesday or groceries dropped off?
Don’t: Surprise! I am here to keep you company.
Step two: Respect the person’s wishes
Remember that this is about your loved one. Grief is a natural reaction to loss. When a person has a terminal illness, we know we are going to lose him. Death of a loved one includes other losses, too, like a sense of security or future plans. Be sure your actions help your loved one with his physical or emotional needs. It is not fair to ask him to make you feel better about how you feel.
Meal:
Do: You love green bean casserole? Great. I will make that.
Don’t: Green bean casserole? Chicken soup makes me feel better. I will make that.
Support:
Do: You want to go to a movie? Great. Which one do you want to see?
Don’t: A movie? That sounds depressing. A day in the park is more fun. Let’s do that.
Step three: Encourage the person to talk, but do not insist
Some people need to talk about their situation as a way to cope. Some people prefer to talk about other things. They key is to practice active listening. Remember that the goal of listening is understanding. Pay attention when your loved one talks. Try not to judge what she is saying. Nod and respond in ways that let her know you understand what she is saying. You may not know what to say. Here are some examples of active listening responses:
- “Oh, I see.”
- “How did that make you feel?”
- “That sounds hard.”
- “I remember that.”
- “What else happened?”
- “I am here for you.”
It is also OK for you to talk about how you feel, but try to keep it positive. Tell him why you will miss him. For example, maybe you will miss how he laughs at your jokes or always knows when you need him. Remember the goal is to help your loved one. Talk with other people or a professional about your own grief.
Meal:
Do: Do you want any more soup? I made it the way you like it.
Don’t: You only had one bowl of soup. You need more. Here, eat this, too.
Support:
Do: How was your last doctor’s visit? Do you want to talk about it?
Don’t: You did not tell me about your doctor’s visit. I deserve to know what is going on.
It is not always easy to know how to help a loved one with a terminal illness. There is no way to guess the right things to do or say. You do not want to mix up their needs with your own during this hard time. Thinking of support like a meal can help you give your loved one what she wants and needs.