Summary
Recognizing your child’s behavior for what it is can help you begin to address it. Types of manipulations include:
- Defiance
- Begging
- Crying
- Lying
Manipulation may be hard for parents to recognize. In some cases, they may see some of what the child is doing as manipulative. This may not generalize to all or enough situations, however, in order for them to “call such bluffs” or straightforwardly address the behavior.
You can learn to see when your kids are trying to manipulate you. This can defuse your anger as you become aware of being manipulated.
Techniques that children use to control parents
Manipulating: Changing rules, limits and expectations that they do not like.
Splitting: Asking Mom and Dad separately for something (or to do something) that they don’t agree on. Causing parents to argue, and deflecting the issue away from their request.
Misquoting: Often used with splitting. For example, quoting a parent as having said “next week” when they actually said “maybe next week.”
Defying: Doing what they want to anyway to see if parents give up and let them.
Making and not keeping promises: “I promise to clean my room after I get back.” It doesn’t matter if the promise is kept or not.
Begging: “Please? Please? Pleeeeeeeeeease!”
Repeating: Making the same request over and over to see if they can get an answer other than “no.”
Bargaining (explicit or implied): An implied bargain is similar to a bribe. For example, cleaning the house first, and then asking to do something.
Guilt tripping: Giving parents the message: “If you really loved me you would let me ________,” or “If you were good parents, you would _______.” Don’t forget the popular variation: “So-and-so’s parents let them _______.”
Threatening: It could be a threat to get even, to show them, to hurt themselves or to defy their parents.
Timing/cornering: Asking Mom or Dad for permission for something when they are busy, on the phone, or stressed and unable to process information.
Crying/acting pathetic: Giving parents the message that only they can make it all better if they do, buy or give permission for_____.
Punishing family by actions: A “payback.” For example, “accidently” tracking mud into the house, playing music too loud or staying in the bathroom too long. A sullen face, sulking and silent pouting are also examples.
Conveying “You’re bad parents:” Complaining, saying “Don’t you think I deserve it?,” laughing at their parents, saying that they are stupid, pointing out when parents are inconsistent, etc.
Demanding justification: Demanding reasons, answers and proof. Examples: “Why? Why not? Don’t you trust me?”
Lying: Either by commission or by omission. For example, not telling parents that a friend's parents are out of town and asking to spend the night at that friend's house.
Hurting: Rarely telling or showing parents that they love them, respect them, or will, in adulthood, value what they have done for them.
Responding to manipulations
The most ideal way to respond to a manipulation attempt is to identify it, call it out and defuse it. It is also helpful to reframe the situation and to keep one’s cool, realizing that now you are in control and that you are not being controlled.
As an example, if your child frequently asks “Why?” or “Why not?” and demands justifications from you for reinforcing a rule, then identify that you see this question as a manipulative tactic and not a sincere request for a discussion. Tell your child that you will discuss your thinking and rationales once the situation has settled down. You could also turn the situation around and ask your child to come up with reasons why (or why not) what they want to do is not acceptable or appropriate.
Consider making a list of ways kids manipulate parents and keep it handy—in the car, in the kitchen, in a purse—and pull it out when you think your child is being manipulative. Choose which technique is being used and call your child on it. Doing this can help you feel less upset, more confident and in control.
As your child begins to learn what’s not working and that honest interaction holds greater value in getting what he they want or avoiding a consequence, manipulations can become less frequent.
Be sure to demonstrate honest interactions and non-manipulative behaviors. Such behavior can benefit many relationships.
Summary
Recognizing your child’s behavior for what it is can help you begin to address it. Types of manipulations include:
- Defiance
- Begging
- Crying
- Lying
Manipulation may be hard for parents to recognize. In some cases, they may see some of what the child is doing as manipulative. This may not generalize to all or enough situations, however, in order for them to “call such bluffs” or straightforwardly address the behavior.
You can learn to see when your kids are trying to manipulate you. This can defuse your anger as you become aware of being manipulated.
Techniques that children use to control parents
Manipulating: Changing rules, limits and expectations that they do not like.
Splitting: Asking Mom and Dad separately for something (or to do something) that they don’t agree on. Causing parents to argue, and deflecting the issue away from their request.
Misquoting: Often used with splitting. For example, quoting a parent as having said “next week” when they actually said “maybe next week.”
Defying: Doing what they want to anyway to see if parents give up and let them.
Making and not keeping promises: “I promise to clean my room after I get back.” It doesn’t matter if the promise is kept or not.
Begging: “Please? Please? Pleeeeeeeeeease!”
Repeating: Making the same request over and over to see if they can get an answer other than “no.”
Bargaining (explicit or implied): An implied bargain is similar to a bribe. For example, cleaning the house first, and then asking to do something.
Guilt tripping: Giving parents the message: “If you really loved me you would let me ________,” or “If you were good parents, you would _______.” Don’t forget the popular variation: “So-and-so’s parents let them _______.”
Threatening: It could be a threat to get even, to show them, to hurt themselves or to defy their parents.
Timing/cornering: Asking Mom or Dad for permission for something when they are busy, on the phone, or stressed and unable to process information.
Crying/acting pathetic: Giving parents the message that only they can make it all better if they do, buy or give permission for_____.
Punishing family by actions: A “payback.” For example, “accidently” tracking mud into the house, playing music too loud or staying in the bathroom too long. A sullen face, sulking and silent pouting are also examples.
Conveying “You’re bad parents:” Complaining, saying “Don’t you think I deserve it?,” laughing at their parents, saying that they are stupid, pointing out when parents are inconsistent, etc.
Demanding justification: Demanding reasons, answers and proof. Examples: “Why? Why not? Don’t you trust me?”
Lying: Either by commission or by omission. For example, not telling parents that a friend's parents are out of town and asking to spend the night at that friend's house.
Hurting: Rarely telling or showing parents that they love them, respect them, or will, in adulthood, value what they have done for them.
Responding to manipulations
The most ideal way to respond to a manipulation attempt is to identify it, call it out and defuse it. It is also helpful to reframe the situation and to keep one’s cool, realizing that now you are in control and that you are not being controlled.
As an example, if your child frequently asks “Why?” or “Why not?” and demands justifications from you for reinforcing a rule, then identify that you see this question as a manipulative tactic and not a sincere request for a discussion. Tell your child that you will discuss your thinking and rationales once the situation has settled down. You could also turn the situation around and ask your child to come up with reasons why (or why not) what they want to do is not acceptable or appropriate.
Consider making a list of ways kids manipulate parents and keep it handy—in the car, in the kitchen, in a purse—and pull it out when you think your child is being manipulative. Choose which technique is being used and call your child on it. Doing this can help you feel less upset, more confident and in control.
As your child begins to learn what’s not working and that honest interaction holds greater value in getting what he they want or avoiding a consequence, manipulations can become less frequent.
Be sure to demonstrate honest interactions and non-manipulative behaviors. Such behavior can benefit many relationships.
Summary
Recognizing your child’s behavior for what it is can help you begin to address it. Types of manipulations include:
- Defiance
- Begging
- Crying
- Lying
Manipulation may be hard for parents to recognize. In some cases, they may see some of what the child is doing as manipulative. This may not generalize to all or enough situations, however, in order for them to “call such bluffs” or straightforwardly address the behavior.
You can learn to see when your kids are trying to manipulate you. This can defuse your anger as you become aware of being manipulated.
Techniques that children use to control parents
Manipulating: Changing rules, limits and expectations that they do not like.
Splitting: Asking Mom and Dad separately for something (or to do something) that they don’t agree on. Causing parents to argue, and deflecting the issue away from their request.
Misquoting: Often used with splitting. For example, quoting a parent as having said “next week” when they actually said “maybe next week.”
Defying: Doing what they want to anyway to see if parents give up and let them.
Making and not keeping promises: “I promise to clean my room after I get back.” It doesn’t matter if the promise is kept or not.
Begging: “Please? Please? Pleeeeeeeeeease!”
Repeating: Making the same request over and over to see if they can get an answer other than “no.”
Bargaining (explicit or implied): An implied bargain is similar to a bribe. For example, cleaning the house first, and then asking to do something.
Guilt tripping: Giving parents the message: “If you really loved me you would let me ________,” or “If you were good parents, you would _______.” Don’t forget the popular variation: “So-and-so’s parents let them _______.”
Threatening: It could be a threat to get even, to show them, to hurt themselves or to defy their parents.
Timing/cornering: Asking Mom or Dad for permission for something when they are busy, on the phone, or stressed and unable to process information.
Crying/acting pathetic: Giving parents the message that only they can make it all better if they do, buy or give permission for_____.
Punishing family by actions: A “payback.” For example, “accidently” tracking mud into the house, playing music too loud or staying in the bathroom too long. A sullen face, sulking and silent pouting are also examples.
Conveying “You’re bad parents:” Complaining, saying “Don’t you think I deserve it?,” laughing at their parents, saying that they are stupid, pointing out when parents are inconsistent, etc.
Demanding justification: Demanding reasons, answers and proof. Examples: “Why? Why not? Don’t you trust me?”
Lying: Either by commission or by omission. For example, not telling parents that a friend's parents are out of town and asking to spend the night at that friend's house.
Hurting: Rarely telling or showing parents that they love them, respect them, or will, in adulthood, value what they have done for them.
Responding to manipulations
The most ideal way to respond to a manipulation attempt is to identify it, call it out and defuse it. It is also helpful to reframe the situation and to keep one’s cool, realizing that now you are in control and that you are not being controlled.
As an example, if your child frequently asks “Why?” or “Why not?” and demands justifications from you for reinforcing a rule, then identify that you see this question as a manipulative tactic and not a sincere request for a discussion. Tell your child that you will discuss your thinking and rationales once the situation has settled down. You could also turn the situation around and ask your child to come up with reasons why (or why not) what they want to do is not acceptable or appropriate.
Consider making a list of ways kids manipulate parents and keep it handy—in the car, in the kitchen, in a purse—and pull it out when you think your child is being manipulative. Choose which technique is being used and call your child on it. Doing this can help you feel less upset, more confident and in control.
As your child begins to learn what’s not working and that honest interaction holds greater value in getting what he they want or avoiding a consequence, manipulations can become less frequent.
Be sure to demonstrate honest interactions and non-manipulative behaviors. Such behavior can benefit many relationships.