Summary
People who abuse their partners often have substance use disorders, anger issues, violent childhoods, and/or unresolved mental health problems.
All of us have bad days, and each relationship has ups and downs. Couples argue. Sometimes they act out. But, when grumbling changes to slapping, or when the door slams on someone’s hand, that has turned to violence. It is abusive behavior, and not OK.
What is domestic violence?
It is anything that hurts, scares, humiliates or controls someone in a family, caretaking or loving relationship. It could involve beatings, forced sex or isolation. Sometimes it is about money. Other times it is about control of another person’s time and mind. But it is always about having power over that person.
Who is being abused?
Women between the ages of 16 and 24 are more likely, but men of all ages are harmed too. Men harm women, women harm men, women harm women and men harm men. It does not matter if the partners are old, young, rich, poor, heterosexual or in a same-sex relationship. If one person makes a habit of hurting the other, it is abusive.
Whole families can be abused, most often by a violent or controlling man. He may rape or sexually harm kids. He may threaten their mother so that she is too scared to protect them or find help.
Teens and other young adults can be in harmful relationships. They often do not know how to get out of them.
Often, adults who were hurt as children grow up to find partners who act violent or harmful. Or, they look for people with weaknesses that they can control. When kids watch one parent hurt the other, they might copy it later.
People with disabilities and who are older can also be mistreated. Caregivers or family members sometimes lose their temper, sexually molest them or take control of their lives and money even when they can take care of themselves.
What does an abusive relationship look like?
Does someone you love:
- Say they are going to leave or kill themself if you don’t do what they want
- Not let you see family members or friends
- Keep track of each thing you do, then grill you when they cannot find you
- Act very jealous if you talk to someone else
- Stop you from getting or keeping a job
- Make you ask for money
- Destroy your stuff
- Hit, punch, burn, choke or cut you when they get mad
- Always put you down, play mind games or use guilt or threats to get what they want
- Force you to have sex
- Threaten to hurt or take away your kids or pets
- Hide the car keys or lock you in or out of part of your home
- Lie, scream or shame you in front of other people
- Flash a gun, knife or other weapon to keep you in line
- Blame you for what they do to you
- Force you to do something against the law
If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may be experiencing domestic abuse.
The harm can be mean words or threats. But other times it shows up on the faces and arms of the person being abused. Worry over being hurt can control most people. All the person doing the abusing needs to do is say a certain word or make a gesture, and the person being abused does what they need to avoid it.
People who abuse others often blame the target of abuse for making them do mean things. Some even convince those they hurt that they have a mental illness or are imagining violence.
How serious is the problem?
One in four U.S. women experiences domestic abuse at some point in her life. About 1.5 million women and half as many men likely experience abuse each year. Most never tell the police. Only about 25 percent of those hurt ever report the abuse. Stalking and rape are even less likely to be reported.
One in six women and one in 33 men will be raped, or barely escape rape, in their lifetime. One in 12 women and one in 45 men will be stalked by someone. It is most often a person they know or loved in the past.
Police say the most likely person to kill a woman is someone she loves. In fact, close partners commit about one-third of female murders.
Who abuses?
People of all sexes, ages and education or income levels hurt those they love. Most people who abuse have one or more of these things in common:
- Substance use disorders
- Anger issues
- Violent childhoods
- Unresolved mental health problems
Why don’t people experiencing abuse leave?
From the outside, it looks like it would be easy to leave a harmful relationship.
But families or couples that abuse each other are complex. The lies, pain and harm done keeps them tied, in spite of the risk for more.
There are many reasons people do not leave unsafe situations.
Practical reasons. If there are kids in the family, what will happen to them? There may not be enough money to split between two people. Moving is hard work, and legal steps add to the pain of breaking up a family.
Emotional factors. A person who has been cut off from family and friends may be afraid to start over in a new place. They might feel guilty about leaving, for fear their partner might take their own life. Or, if they move, the partner might get so mad they will come after them.
After years of experiencing abuse, a person’s spirit might be so low. They might feel they deserve it. Friends may urge them to leave, but that would only make them feel like more of a failure. Men have a very hard time admitting they have fallen under the control of a partner who abuses.
Money and property. When a couple has been together a long time, there are issues to resolve. It costs money to move. If the one doing the abusing has been holding all the money, the other person may not have enough to start over. Limited choices for housing or jobs may make it harder to leave.
Denial. Some people hold out hope that things will change for the better, even when there is reason to believe they will not. They say they love their partner. For example, they still recall their good side, and believe if they can do the right things, the person they married will come back.
There are many excuses:
- If they would only stop drinking.
- They don't really mean it; just lose their temper.
- I know I should not put up with the abuse, but they have a tough job and need to unwind when they come home.
- They will get better someday, and then we will be happy again.
- If I ever took our kids away, my partner would kill me.
At some point, someone being harmed needs to get off the merry-go-round of abuse, apology, forgiveness and more abuse. Help is available for anyone who is in an abusive situation.
If you are ready, get help:
- Find a therapist who can help you decide what to do.
- Call a victim’s advocacy organization for support and information.
- If you believe your life or your partner’s life is in danger, call the police.
National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: (800) 787-3224 is staffed 24 hours a day, year round with advocates who can answer questions, talk safety options and help callers with resources in their area. Every call is anonymous.
Summary
People who abuse their partners often have substance use disorders, anger issues, violent childhoods, and/or unresolved mental health problems.
All of us have bad days, and each relationship has ups and downs. Couples argue. Sometimes they act out. But, when grumbling changes to slapping, or when the door slams on someone’s hand, that has turned to violence. It is abusive behavior, and not OK.
What is domestic violence?
It is anything that hurts, scares, humiliates or controls someone in a family, caretaking or loving relationship. It could involve beatings, forced sex or isolation. Sometimes it is about money. Other times it is about control of another person’s time and mind. But it is always about having power over that person.
Who is being abused?
Women between the ages of 16 and 24 are more likely, but men of all ages are harmed too. Men harm women, women harm men, women harm women and men harm men. It does not matter if the partners are old, young, rich, poor, heterosexual or in a same-sex relationship. If one person makes a habit of hurting the other, it is abusive.
Whole families can be abused, most often by a violent or controlling man. He may rape or sexually harm kids. He may threaten their mother so that she is too scared to protect them or find help.
Teens and other young adults can be in harmful relationships. They often do not know how to get out of them.
Often, adults who were hurt as children grow up to find partners who act violent or harmful. Or, they look for people with weaknesses that they can control. When kids watch one parent hurt the other, they might copy it later.
People with disabilities and who are older can also be mistreated. Caregivers or family members sometimes lose their temper, sexually molest them or take control of their lives and money even when they can take care of themselves.
What does an abusive relationship look like?
Does someone you love:
- Say they are going to leave or kill themself if you don’t do what they want
- Not let you see family members or friends
- Keep track of each thing you do, then grill you when they cannot find you
- Act very jealous if you talk to someone else
- Stop you from getting or keeping a job
- Make you ask for money
- Destroy your stuff
- Hit, punch, burn, choke or cut you when they get mad
- Always put you down, play mind games or use guilt or threats to get what they want
- Force you to have sex
- Threaten to hurt or take away your kids or pets
- Hide the car keys or lock you in or out of part of your home
- Lie, scream or shame you in front of other people
- Flash a gun, knife or other weapon to keep you in line
- Blame you for what they do to you
- Force you to do something against the law
If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may be experiencing domestic abuse.
The harm can be mean words or threats. But other times it shows up on the faces and arms of the person being abused. Worry over being hurt can control most people. All the person doing the abusing needs to do is say a certain word or make a gesture, and the person being abused does what they need to avoid it.
People who abuse others often blame the target of abuse for making them do mean things. Some even convince those they hurt that they have a mental illness or are imagining violence.
How serious is the problem?
One in four U.S. women experiences domestic abuse at some point in her life. About 1.5 million women and half as many men likely experience abuse each year. Most never tell the police. Only about 25 percent of those hurt ever report the abuse. Stalking and rape are even less likely to be reported.
One in six women and one in 33 men will be raped, or barely escape rape, in their lifetime. One in 12 women and one in 45 men will be stalked by someone. It is most often a person they know or loved in the past.
Police say the most likely person to kill a woman is someone she loves. In fact, close partners commit about one-third of female murders.
Who abuses?
People of all sexes, ages and education or income levels hurt those they love. Most people who abuse have one or more of these things in common:
- Substance use disorders
- Anger issues
- Violent childhoods
- Unresolved mental health problems
Why don’t people experiencing abuse leave?
From the outside, it looks like it would be easy to leave a harmful relationship.
But families or couples that abuse each other are complex. The lies, pain and harm done keeps them tied, in spite of the risk for more.
There are many reasons people do not leave unsafe situations.
Practical reasons. If there are kids in the family, what will happen to them? There may not be enough money to split between two people. Moving is hard work, and legal steps add to the pain of breaking up a family.
Emotional factors. A person who has been cut off from family and friends may be afraid to start over in a new place. They might feel guilty about leaving, for fear their partner might take their own life. Or, if they move, the partner might get so mad they will come after them.
After years of experiencing abuse, a person’s spirit might be so low. They might feel they deserve it. Friends may urge them to leave, but that would only make them feel like more of a failure. Men have a very hard time admitting they have fallen under the control of a partner who abuses.
Money and property. When a couple has been together a long time, there are issues to resolve. It costs money to move. If the one doing the abusing has been holding all the money, the other person may not have enough to start over. Limited choices for housing or jobs may make it harder to leave.
Denial. Some people hold out hope that things will change for the better, even when there is reason to believe they will not. They say they love their partner. For example, they still recall their good side, and believe if they can do the right things, the person they married will come back.
There are many excuses:
- If they would only stop drinking.
- They don't really mean it; just lose their temper.
- I know I should not put up with the abuse, but they have a tough job and need to unwind when they come home.
- They will get better someday, and then we will be happy again.
- If I ever took our kids away, my partner would kill me.
At some point, someone being harmed needs to get off the merry-go-round of abuse, apology, forgiveness and more abuse. Help is available for anyone who is in an abusive situation.
If you are ready, get help:
- Find a therapist who can help you decide what to do.
- Call a victim’s advocacy organization for support and information.
- If you believe your life or your partner’s life is in danger, call the police.
National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: (800) 787-3224 is staffed 24 hours a day, year round with advocates who can answer questions, talk safety options and help callers with resources in their area. Every call is anonymous.
Summary
People who abuse their partners often have substance use disorders, anger issues, violent childhoods, and/or unresolved mental health problems.
All of us have bad days, and each relationship has ups and downs. Couples argue. Sometimes they act out. But, when grumbling changes to slapping, or when the door slams on someone’s hand, that has turned to violence. It is abusive behavior, and not OK.
What is domestic violence?
It is anything that hurts, scares, humiliates or controls someone in a family, caretaking or loving relationship. It could involve beatings, forced sex or isolation. Sometimes it is about money. Other times it is about control of another person’s time and mind. But it is always about having power over that person.
Who is being abused?
Women between the ages of 16 and 24 are more likely, but men of all ages are harmed too. Men harm women, women harm men, women harm women and men harm men. It does not matter if the partners are old, young, rich, poor, heterosexual or in a same-sex relationship. If one person makes a habit of hurting the other, it is abusive.
Whole families can be abused, most often by a violent or controlling man. He may rape or sexually harm kids. He may threaten their mother so that she is too scared to protect them or find help.
Teens and other young adults can be in harmful relationships. They often do not know how to get out of them.
Often, adults who were hurt as children grow up to find partners who act violent or harmful. Or, they look for people with weaknesses that they can control. When kids watch one parent hurt the other, they might copy it later.
People with disabilities and who are older can also be mistreated. Caregivers or family members sometimes lose their temper, sexually molest them or take control of their lives and money even when they can take care of themselves.
What does an abusive relationship look like?
Does someone you love:
- Say they are going to leave or kill themself if you don’t do what they want
- Not let you see family members or friends
- Keep track of each thing you do, then grill you when they cannot find you
- Act very jealous if you talk to someone else
- Stop you from getting or keeping a job
- Make you ask for money
- Destroy your stuff
- Hit, punch, burn, choke or cut you when they get mad
- Always put you down, play mind games or use guilt or threats to get what they want
- Force you to have sex
- Threaten to hurt or take away your kids or pets
- Hide the car keys or lock you in or out of part of your home
- Lie, scream or shame you in front of other people
- Flash a gun, knife or other weapon to keep you in line
- Blame you for what they do to you
- Force you to do something against the law
If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may be experiencing domestic abuse.
The harm can be mean words or threats. But other times it shows up on the faces and arms of the person being abused. Worry over being hurt can control most people. All the person doing the abusing needs to do is say a certain word or make a gesture, and the person being abused does what they need to avoid it.
People who abuse others often blame the target of abuse for making them do mean things. Some even convince those they hurt that they have a mental illness or are imagining violence.
How serious is the problem?
One in four U.S. women experiences domestic abuse at some point in her life. About 1.5 million women and half as many men likely experience abuse each year. Most never tell the police. Only about 25 percent of those hurt ever report the abuse. Stalking and rape are even less likely to be reported.
One in six women and one in 33 men will be raped, or barely escape rape, in their lifetime. One in 12 women and one in 45 men will be stalked by someone. It is most often a person they know or loved in the past.
Police say the most likely person to kill a woman is someone she loves. In fact, close partners commit about one-third of female murders.
Who abuses?
People of all sexes, ages and education or income levels hurt those they love. Most people who abuse have one or more of these things in common:
- Substance use disorders
- Anger issues
- Violent childhoods
- Unresolved mental health problems
Why don’t people experiencing abuse leave?
From the outside, it looks like it would be easy to leave a harmful relationship.
But families or couples that abuse each other are complex. The lies, pain and harm done keeps them tied, in spite of the risk for more.
There are many reasons people do not leave unsafe situations.
Practical reasons. If there are kids in the family, what will happen to them? There may not be enough money to split between two people. Moving is hard work, and legal steps add to the pain of breaking up a family.
Emotional factors. A person who has been cut off from family and friends may be afraid to start over in a new place. They might feel guilty about leaving, for fear their partner might take their own life. Or, if they move, the partner might get so mad they will come after them.
After years of experiencing abuse, a person’s spirit might be so low. They might feel they deserve it. Friends may urge them to leave, but that would only make them feel like more of a failure. Men have a very hard time admitting they have fallen under the control of a partner who abuses.
Money and property. When a couple has been together a long time, there are issues to resolve. It costs money to move. If the one doing the abusing has been holding all the money, the other person may not have enough to start over. Limited choices for housing or jobs may make it harder to leave.
Denial. Some people hold out hope that things will change for the better, even when there is reason to believe they will not. They say they love their partner. For example, they still recall their good side, and believe if they can do the right things, the person they married will come back.
There are many excuses:
- If they would only stop drinking.
- They don't really mean it; just lose their temper.
- I know I should not put up with the abuse, but they have a tough job and need to unwind when they come home.
- They will get better someday, and then we will be happy again.
- If I ever took our kids away, my partner would kill me.
At some point, someone being harmed needs to get off the merry-go-round of abuse, apology, forgiveness and more abuse. Help is available for anyone who is in an abusive situation.
If you are ready, get help:
- Find a therapist who can help you decide what to do.
- Call a victim’s advocacy organization for support and information.
- If you believe your life or your partner’s life is in danger, call the police.
National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: (800) 787-3224 is staffed 24 hours a day, year round with advocates who can answer questions, talk safety options and help callers with resources in their area. Every call is anonymous.