Kindness

Posted Sep 15, 2021

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Fabulous welcome everyone. My name is Karen Katz. I am a certified professional life coach and honored to be here with you today to talk about the topic of kindness and how we can develop our ability to be kinder. If that is what we desire, a couple of housekeeping things. Number one, if for some reason I disappear, do not worry. I have a backup just giving me 30 to 60 seconds and I will be back with you. Number two, the chat function is going to be the next best thing to meet being there in person with you. So any questions, any comments you can go ahead and feel free to type in the chat, all the comments that come to me directly, I treat us confidential. I do not call out any names. So any, anything you're struggling with, any questions, any comments, feel free to include it there.

That way I can include it in the presentation. And if not, I will offer additional resources at the end. The more engaging we may get, the more fun it is going to be for everyone. So with that said, I'm going to invite you to take a deep breath in, and as you exhale, intention of creating a little parentheses and the before and the after so that we can make the most out of our time together today. And with that, I also want to invite you as I always do at the beginning of every session to recognize that what we've been going through for the past 18 months is a very big deal. Our bodies and our minds are doing the best we can to help us feel safe in a world that sometimes can feel scary, to feel anxious, nervous, worried, sad, upset, disappointed, angry, all absolutely normal emotions.

The important thing to remember is that we are doing the best that we can with the resources that we currently have. We do not come with manuals. We're all trying to figure it out as we go. And we tend to be a really hard with ourselves. I'm curious to hear if there are any perfectionist. So you consider yourself a perfectionist. Let me know in the chat. When, um, whenever I do these sessions, a lot, a lot of people will say yes, they tend to be really hard with themselves, expecting themselves to be better and better and not recognize that we are going through a lot. We are all trying to figure it out. And yes, a lot is being asked of us and you are adapting constantly and doing very well at it, developing that resiliency in your capacity to adapt, to change constantly and more is being asked of us.

So if we can take a moment to acknowledge that we are doing the best we can, that helps a lot. I love the quote by Carl Rogers that says, when I accept myself fully, then I can change. When I accept myself fully, then I can change. And that way we can start by being kind to ourselves. So what is kindness? I would think of myself to be a perfectionist with a little OCD. Yes, yes. Many right. Welcome to the club, right? I call myself a recovering perfectionist. Absolutely. It's um, absolutely normal, right? And it adds a lot to the stress. So if we can take a moment to acknowledge ourselves and in whatever way it feels good, it's going to feel a little bit strange. Whether it be a pat on the back, I have five, a hug, whatever, when it feels good to you, that you are doing the best you can, right.

With the resources that we have. And today we're adding more resources towards toolbox. So what is kindness? Um, when we talk about kindness, right? If we look it up in the dictionary, kindness is the noun, the quality of being friendly, generous, and consider it a kind act. Um, the sentence that's right under, it says, I will never forget your kindness, which is automatically makes us think, right? It's something that somebody has done for us, a behavior, right? So it's more like a verb, the act of doing than it is something that describes who we are, right. Understanding the difference between being kind and being nice is going to be key. Kindness is genuinely helping or caring about someone. Niceness is being polite. So in a concrete example, if somebody is for feeling cold, nice would be, oh, I'm so sorry that you feel cold. Right. And kind would be, here's a sweater, regardless of if I'm saying it nicely or not, here's the sweater we're attending to the need.

An example that I read about recently, um, helped understand it. So I'm, I want to share it. This man was on his way to work. And he walked into, he was walking into a store and he saw a homeless man outside. And he looked at the man, I don't know why he says, I don't know why I did this, but I just looked at him and said, do you want something? And the man said, yeah, I want a coffee with some milk and two sugars. And he said, okay, done deal. He went, he went into the store, came out, brought it to him. And he said that the rest of his Workday, he felt really, really good about himself. He says, he's been into personal development and doing yoga and meditation. And he's been doing that for a while. But after any of those classes, he'd never had this sensation that he had for the rest of the day after he did this good deed. So we're going to stick a look at the science behind kindness to understand what is happening in the background. What is happening in our bodies? Generally, when we think of kindness, we tend to think of, so of doing something nice for someone else. But in addition to that, it is also about doing something nice for ourselves. Kindness starts with being kind to you to yourself.

Why does kindness work? What is the science behind it? When we do an act of kindness, the body is flooded with the same hormones as the person you've helped, that makes both of you feel calmer, healthier, healthier, happier, and more connected. Serotonin floods. Our body, which helps heal wounds helps us. Relax helps us make, makes us feel good. Endorphins are released, which is the natural body's painkillers. The natural mood enhancer oxytocin is released. Reduces blood pressure makes you feel loved and loving. If we see somebody being kind, it makes it more likely for us to want to do the same, to want to pay it forward. There was a recent study done where they asked people how they felt after performing an act of kindness. For seven days, it could be with a stranger, with somebody they knew, or even just observing an act of kindness. And when they asked after the seven days, how they felt in each case, it boosted happiness.

I'm having trouble hearing. I'm curious if anybody else is having trouble hearing and you hear me, can you hear me? If it's an individual thing you may have to call in, I hear you perfectly. Yes. So it could be your computer. It happens sometimes. So you can thank you so much. Yes. Most people can hear me fine. So you can have the computer for the slides and then you can call in for the, um, um, awesome. Thank you so much. Yes. Can hear me. Excellent. So what are some examples I'm curious to hear what comes up for you. Some simple examples of acts of kindness, right? It could start from holding the elevator for someone. What examples come up for you. I'm curious if you want to share in the chat, it could be as simple as a smile, smiling to someone, right? Getting a cup of coffee for someone holding the door for people.

I love it. Yeah. I got a lot of people saying holding the door for somebody behind you, right. Something so simple. We really don't have to go out of our way, much to, to do a random act of kindness, giving up a seat on the bus. Love it. Love it. Excellent. Yes, absolutely. We'll talk about a few more examples that I had the opportunity to raise, to read about when I was researching that I loved. So how does kindness work being kind is an excellent coping skill during difficult times. And right now during the times that we are going through, it is super, super helpful and time in a time where isolation is prevalent. Um, it helps us foster connection to others. It helps provide purpose and meaning to our lives. It allows us to put our values into practice. What's important for us and really live those values.

It helps diminish negative thoughts. We have over 60,000 thoughts a day, and a lot of the times those thoughts are pretty negative and they come in clusters. It's an easy way to help us diminish those negative thoughts. When we are doing something behaving kindly tooling and a simple act of kindness, the emotion automatically follows. The experience we're having is flooded with the emotion and kindness even helps us change our brain. According to Stephanie Preston, a psychology professor at the university of Michigan, she says that a part of the reward system in our brain called the nucleus accumbens activates and are brought in our brain response in the same way it would as if we were eating a piece of chocolate cake the same way minus the pounds. Of course, in addition to that, when we see the other person responding to our act of kindness, that person that say thank you, or that smiling back at us, our brain releases oxytocin, which is that feel good bonding hormone.

And it boosts the pleasure of the experience, which creates in our brain, this craving for more, it's an upward spiral. The brain is learning that it is rewarding. So it motivates us to do it, to do it Nate, again, according to Dr. Preston, when I was researching this, I, I read a little bit about the story of the kind bars. Are you familiar, um, with that story? Are you familiar with, with the bars? I always talk to the cashiers when shopping, they have to work all day and enjoy someone talking to them. Right. And giving them a compliment. Yes. Okay. So the kind bars. Yeah. So let me start this way. The, this, during the Holocaust, um, there was, um, this man was on the floor, right? He was one of the dues on the floor. Um, he had just been hurt or something had happened to him.

And, um, this German soldier looked at him and threw him a potato, threw him a potato and I'm going to cry. And in the midst of all, everything that they were going through, right. And, and all the challenges, he felt this little bit of hope and the kindness of even per someone being on different sides, being able to connect in that way. So he, um, he, for him, kindness became essential. He survived and he had a family and he raised his children to value kindness. And the son is the founder of kind bars. So Kindbars has this whole philosophy besides eating healthier and taking care of ourselves and our body. It's about spotting, random acts of kindness. So they give out these little cards to people that, um, whenever they see somebody doing a random act of kindness, they give out this card and, um, you can claim, you can go online and get a few kind bars, but then they ask that you also give this cards to someone else that, um, you see doing a random act of kindness.

So it's kind of like the gift that keeps giving, right. And with everything that's going on, or when we face challenges or difficulties, it's just a simple way for us as humans to connect deeply with each other, as mark Twain says, kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see so beautiful. There's different types of kindness and all of them are valid and okay, right. There's the 50 50 where we give something and we're getting something in return. For example, we might donate something and we get a tax benefit, right. And there's also the all giving where it's pure. We have no expectation of getting anything back and we're just doing it right out of the kindness of our heart, really purely, without any expectation. Um, during the research I was reading about this lady, the T it's, she's a teacher that works at a school and there's this bully in the school that it was the last straw.

They were ready to, to kick him out of the school. And they were having a discussion, all the teachers and she stood up for him and thanks to what she said, they gave him another chance. So he came into her office all mad and upset. And why did you do that for me? What did you do that for me? Nobody. Um, I treat you so badly. Why would you do that for me? And she said, because I believe in you, I believe that you can make a change. And I believe in you and years passed. And he came back to her and said, you were the first person to believe in me. And it changed my life. Thank you so much. And we just don't know how one simple act of kindness can affect someone else, right? As someone else's life, we have no idea. The key to our success is survival of the friendliest. We, as humans have evolved, right? We're not the biggest and strongest and fastest animal of the kingdom. So we've banded together for survival. The key key to our success, according to Jamil, Zacky neuroscientist is an associate professor of psychology at Sanford says it's not being the survival of the fittest for us. It's survival of the friendliest, right? It's abandoned together, caring for one another from being kind to each other. The components, the key components to kindness are being authentic.

We want to do it from an honest space, right? We want to be a hundred percent honest and authentic and pure in our intentions. If we are opting for that 50 50, which we can do, it's absolutely okay. That doesn't make it less or more. It's perfectly okay. It is a win-win for both parties, but it is important that we're about it. Otherwise we, it can lead to disappointment or not feeling absolutely 100% okay. With it feeling like we did it for another reason. Right. And it's still extremely valid and it's still extremely kind to the other person, right. Believing that it will be good for us is going to be key, whatever it is that we choose that we want to do, we want to start with that expectation or that belief, that, that activity, that change, that action, that we're going to take is going to be powerful, is going to make a change is going to be important.

Right? We want to believe that it will have a good effect for us and for the other person, we can expect it to be appreciate it, but we don't need to expect it to be returned bait. It's are we giving it because we want something in return or are we giving it because we just want to give it, and for that, it is going to be key that we practice self care. Think about it for a second. When we are caring for ourselves and we're building ourselves up and we're energizing ourselves, we are giving from a face of abundance. It just naturally overflows. If we're giving from a place of depletion, it, we give and give and give, it leads to a point where we're feeling resentful. Right? What else do you want from me? What more do you want from me? And from that space, we don't have that much desire to, to be even kinder to someone else.

So it has to start with practicing being kind to ourselves. Hmm. I try to be kind and help others. It's getting much harder because the world has changed. People think the worst and never understand. We were just trying to help, but we just got to keep trying. Yes, it is. It is changing. Right. And fear is a lot more prevalent. And we may have, um, everybody has their own difficulties and challenges we're going through, right. So there might be a little bit more impatience, but still we have the capacity that it's, it's that one thing, right? It's that one potato, it's that one holding the door for someone that's having a bad day. It's that one smile that we do not know the effect that it can have, and that next person, it's kind of like a ripple effect. That next person feeling that little bit of hope or that little bit of, um, yeah.

Hope or connection feeling valued can in turn, go and do their one thing. And yes, a little bit at a time change is created. It takes time, but it starts with just one, right? Yeah. It's like a ripple effect. Yeah. Yeah. And it's easy for us to forget, right. Because we're all swamped with our own things and responsibilities. So we'll talk a little bit about self care and how it is so essential, but coming from a place of acceptance. Right. And not forcing ourselves to do, um, differently, accepting ourselves, understanding we're going through a lot. And then what's that one little bit that we can do to help the world to help others. Right. How do you show kindness to people who are so mean who we kill them with kindness, right? Yes. It's, I'm going to talk about the difficult days and a few tools that can help.

Yes, absolutely. Similar to always taking time with family to say, or do something nice each day, 100%. Right. When we're talking about kindness, it's not just about with strangers. It starts with yourself. And it's also starts with the people that you love. Right? Because sometimes the people that are closest to us as the ones are the ones that we ignore the most when we're thinking of acts of kindness, definitely mental health is very real and many are hopeless. How do you help them? I love, love, love that question. And yes, I agree with you a hundred percent. I've had several, um, opportunities where I've done these sessions and I do a pre-call with the organization. And I always ask, is there something in particular going on or something I should be aware of? And, um, in several cases I've had, they've had internal, um, they've had suicides.

So it is, people are going through a lot. We all are right. And, um, it's hard. Absolutely. Because it can be overwhelming. And in that state of overwhelm, we cannot help anyone. Right. Because it gets to be too much. So what's that little bit that we can do to help ourselves and bring ourselves back to a space where we feel recharged and it overflows, taking care of ourselves is the most spiritual thing we can do when we fill our tank, it's naturally going to want to overflow and give to others. And that's, what's that one little thing that you can do, right? It's it's like thinking about it. Um, as a goal setting process that I loved and learned from Stephen guys who wrote a book called mini habits. I don't know if you're familiar with it. He talks about how he lost 60 pounds in six months.

And he did it by committing to the one pushup method. So people will say, Karen, like, what are you talking about? One pushup, 60 pounds. How does that happen? Well, he would get dressed and get into position and do his one pushup that day and fail, oh, I could do more than he would do five or 10 or many days. He would do a whole full blown workout. The days he didn't feel like it. He only did one pushup and he felt good about himself in six months, he lost six pounds, 60 pounds. But the great thing about it was that when he wrote about it in a book, it was months after where he kept the weight off. And how that happened is because it wasn't a fad. It wasn't a diet. It became a lifestyle by being kind to himself compassionate with himself.

Right. He got the energy. And instead of having to fight procrastination or find motivation, he just felt, oh, it's one. I could do two or I could do three. Anything else he did. He felt great about himself. And from that space, it was easy to do what he needed to do in order to lose the weight. So what is that one pushup for us? Right. If we think about the problems of the world and mental health in general, right? It's, it's, it's big. So what is that one pushup, that little thing, that small goal, that many habit that we can create for ourselves on a daily basis, because these are practices, right? Practices are something that we do every day. It's a lifestyle, it's a way we live our values. So what's that one thing that we do that in that moment, that is so little, but it's going to feel so good that we're naturally going to want to do more without forcing ourselves to do more.

Right. And in the case of, of mental health, right. Um, we have a whole, um, several, um, sessions that are specifically on mental health. But some of the things that we can do is definitely have open conversations, have open, sincere conversation. If there is, if it's somebody that we know, make sure they know we're there for them, right. Not judge help create those safe spaces where they can talk openly, whatever it is they're, they're talking about whatever they need to say without us reacting or being quick to judge. And, um, being led by fear and offering resources. The EAP is a great resource, right? Um, offering resources, looking for, um, mental health, um, 800 numbers and having them handy and providing it to them. Sometimes it's a matter of how helping them start getting some movement, maybe take a, go for a walk or take a class.

And we can do that with them because they don't have the energy to do it themselves. And that's something we can pick them up and go with them. If they're living close to us, right. Or do something online, take a class together with them. Right. So there are small things that we can do to help as much as you can, as much as feels good to you. Let me know if that is helpful. What was the author? Stephen guise, G U I S E um, 15 minute walk, 100%, 15 minute walk. Right. And if we can go on a walk with them. Absolutely. So during the pandemic, um, I had the opportunity to research a few, um, more story. We want to do a little bit more right. And make it a daily habit. And what we were saying small is going to count. We want to make sure we include everyone, family, friends, neighbors, strangers, everyone.

There were, here are some examples of the ones I researched. There was a lady that she's a school teacher and she would post jokes on the phone, Paul, the telephone pole in front of her house. And they were many were cringy. One of them was, um, can a frog jump as high as an average tent? Of course it can attend can't jump. And people would, um, she even got him a note one of the days when she forgot to put the joke that said, where's the joke. So people were actually reading the jokes, right? Another couple I heard about would, um, exchange gifts with their neighbors. That was an older couple. So they would leave surprise gifts on the wall that separated their homes. Sometimes it would be, um, a bouquet of flowers. Other times it would be a bag of chips. Other times it would be, um, a couple of drinks and they just had fun doing that and connecting that way.

Right? Finding different ways to connect. That is what we're trying to do. Another, um, person would put outside her door, a cooler with fresh water and some fresh fruit for the delivery people. And she would love to peek outside the window and see how happy it made people when they saw that. Right. And again, that feeling just to see how that act of kindness is received by the other person automatically reinforces it to ourselves. So it makes it easier to want to do more and more of it. It becomes a lifestyle. And again, we don't want to forget our family, right? Our loved ones. We want to include them. We want to do something special for them too. It's not just for strangers. And it's also for ourselves. If we can't, for some reason, one day do an act of kindness. Just recalling a time when we were generous or helpful, allows us to feel the same feelings, activate the same emotions and feelings in our body.

It increases our wellbeing. If we remember a time when we did something kind or something that we watched in a movie or watch somebody else do that will activate that desire for us to want to do it. Also, my rule is not about all or nothing. It's just about more than nothing. Love that one that shows a lot of kindness to yourself, applies to everything. We do. Kindness, fitness, healthy, eating, love it. Not about all or nothing more than nothing. How just one word can shift everything. Love it, teaching kindness to children. Um, we want to start early, right? And we want to model the behavior do, as I say, not as I do. We want to talk about these things and most more than talk, sometimes it's asking questions, right? Because they're brilliant. And they're very creative. We want to listen to their creative ideas.

They have no limits. I remember my younger one, who's now 16. When he was four, he came home and said he was talking to his friends at recess and they want to do a lemonade stand to raise money for cancer, for kids with cancer. And I didn't know the other moms of the kids that he was talking about, but I said, that sounds so amazing. I'm going to reach out to the moms. And we did, and we put it all together and they raised $150 and they felt like the king of the world. It was an amazing experience. So a lot of the times it's just listening to them, right. Asking questions and listening to their ideas. Um, the other thing that's very helpful is making a tangible, focusing on actions and making it tangible for them. My older one was at this organization called K kids.

And they always talked about, the teachers always talked about let's raise money for this, um, organization and this organization. And there was no real. I could tell that there was really no buy-in, there was really no connection. Right. So I said to her one time, why don't we talk to that mom that you said works at this hospital and see if we can do some sort of, um, gathering with the kids that are in the hospital that we can go, the, some of our kids can go visit and they arranged, we did a whole event or what it was about, um, gathering toys for the holidays. And they chose, um, five kids. The board members were allowed to go because they wouldn't allow a lot of kids to come in. And it was a magical experience. It was the whole afternoon giving them the toys.

And then they opened the toys and all the kids were playing with them. We were taking pictures. It was, I still remember it. And I, my whole body floods with oxytocin, serotonin, it was a beautiful experience. And I got the chance to interview each one of the kids and how they felt. And it's really one of those opportunities where they really get the chance to connect and want to do more with it. So making it tangible, right. Whatever it is, something small, again, it's that one potato, one thing that we can do, but it all starts with being kind to ourselves. It is the most important we cannot give from an empty cup. And I'm curious to hear, how kind do you feel you are with yourself? One to 10. How much do you practice self care? Um, I'm curious to hear one to 10, 10 being the highest.

Yeah. Yeah. Mostly fours, six fives. I sign eight. Um, I'm curious, what's working for you if you can share. Right. And if it's on the lower end, what do you think? I started self care on the seventh today. I'm at a 10. Yes. I'm at a 10. I even so come my feet. Oh, I love that one. I'm going to copy that one six. So what do you think is helping you if you're on the higher end and what do you think if you're on the lower end that makes it difficult to be kind to yourself? What works meditation seven overall. Okay. Yeah. Some, in some cases I've gotten, I've gotten negatives. When I ask, I get like minus whatever, having an infant, totally get it. Mine are all grown up. I don't know how people do it with a pandemic and little ones. It's hard.

I tend to take care of others and not myself. I'm making very small steps in my life, go for a bike ride. My grandma taught me my worth. Love it, practicing. Self-compassion when I wake up saying good morning to myself and also a practice of gratitude. Love it, love it, love it. So that's, that is going to be the key 10. I love myself and love all who are around me. And that is, that is what is so important, right? We're taught to give and give and give and give and give to others. Right. And I don't know, but I never learned to give to myself too. It wasn't until I was close to my forties, that I started even hearing about this, but it was always who can I give to? And we become, we have many, many roles, many responsibilities, many people to take care of.

And we go, we get into this space of not even putting ourselves on the list, but think about it for a second. Even our cars, right? We need to do maintenance on them. The gas tank gate, when it's on empty, we don't scream at it. We don't ignore it. We don't put a happy face sticker on it. We go and put gas on in the tank, right? So we tend to do that to ourselves. We need to ignore. We tend to ignore our needs. We tend to ignore our emotions. We tend to ignore our signals. And we just like push ourselves, which gets to a point where it could very well lead to resentment because we get to ask like, what else do you want from me? I give you this and I give you this and I give you this. And what more right?

And some people will ask me, but how do I do it right? To start practicing some self-care we're talking about exercise, which lowers cortisol releases endorphins. And it doesn't have to be vigorous exercise. It could be as simple as, um, walking or a stretch or dancing or a bike ride or whatever feels good to you. But having time to practice, exercise, eating more nutritious foods, right? Sleeping enough, taking a nap when we need the taking a soothing bath, curling up with your favorite book and a blanket, whatever feels good to you, right? But these things are, what's going to help recharge reset, energize us, fill our tank back up. And from that place of abundance, people that feel good, do good. It's natural. Right? We just want to give it's our nature to give, right? But from that space, we can give so much more.

That oxygen mask example in the airplanes is so important. If we go like this and keep going like this and put it on people, how many people can we help? But we're not going to be there anymore for them. But if we put it on ourselves and then go like this, how many can we help in that case? Right? How many? It takes a measure of selfishness to develop self care. Fabulous. Fabulous. Leslie said floating on a pool. Oh my God. I want to do that. Floating on a pool or hanging on a hammock. Oh my God. Hey, laying on a hammock. For sure. Everyone feels I'm strong and can take care of myself, but I need help too. We all do right. A hundred percent and I'll share the EAP information at the end. Absolutely. We all do 100%. I've noticed that the folks that are most unhappy are the ones that are always caring for others a hundred percent.

And we, you know, we're taught that. So it, it feels selfish. Think about it. It feels selfish to take care of myself, but it's not selfish that I take care of you. It's not selfish. You're not being selfish. I take care of you, but I'm being selfish. If I take care of myself, like if I say no to something, because I feel I need to recharge and then I can come back stronger, more filled and do more. That would be wrong. And what world, right? No, absolutely not. I do like myself and I do give to others, but what do you do when a person is just awful and not likable? Oh. And you need to be around that person or is it an option right. To not, here's where healthy boundaries come in and I'll share a very valuable resource. Okay. So if you do need, I'll share this to doing Zumba and prayers in the morning.

Yes. Love it. Love it. Zumba's amazing. Okay. So here's the thing. Even if we have to be around the person, right. Or maybe we don't, it's super important that we start creating healthy boundaries and what that boundary looks like is different for everyone, but saying no, generally it's hard for people to say no. Whether somebody asks for a favor or, um, somebody, um, gives us an additional task, whatever it is, it's hard to say no creating healthy boundaries is part of valuing ourself. That's self care so that we can give more to others. Right? And that healthy boundary might be limiting negativity, limiting toxicity. It could be limiting media exposure, right? It could be limiting the whining of com or complaining of some people after seven minutes, venting stops being therapeutic. So we can give them a certain time and then say, this is not therapeutic for, and definitely not for me.

And we could start setting those healthy boundaries, but we are the ones in charge. We teach people how to treat us by the boundaries that we set and how we treat ourselves. And sometimes the heart part is saying, no, but over-giving does not help anyone coming from a hundred percent over giver. It doesn't help. It leads to resentment. It, it doesn't help us create, I didn't even know what boundaries were. If you struggle with saying no, the best tool I can offer is a book by William Ury called the power of the positive. No, he's from the Harvard negotiation project saying no is truly about connecting with your yes. Once you connect with your yes. And he teaches you a very specific formula. Once you connect with your yes, the note just rolls off the tongue. When we're creating that healthy boundary, we value what's on the inside and we start valuing ourselves more and valuing our self-care more.

And that allows us to be there in a more grounded, full way to enjoy life and to be there for those that we love for those that we want to be there for and perform those acts of kindness in such a natural manner. So yes, setting boundaries is huge. Yes. That part, I recently heard someone say, people would treat you how you treat yourself. And it was like an epiphany to hear this 100%. Let me know if that's helpful for you. And in some cases we just need to cut ties. I've had to do it with several people, several family members. It just, there, the disrespect was so much that when we set a boundary, there's some adjustment period. And sometimes people, um, push back and push back and it's hard to adjust. So sometimes there has to be that cutting of the ties. And maybe at some point it can come back and be, um, again, created a new relationship from a new space, from a new energy.

And that's also, um, an option. So being kind to ourselves is going to be key speaking to ourselves with compassion. Right? I had a client recently tell me that she called herself, honey. She was never used to it. And then one day she's like, she made a mistake and she literally said, honey, what's going on today? And I said, wow, I'm going to start doing that. I love it. Do we talk to ourselves? Like, we're our best friend? Like we're a stranger. Or like, we are our worst enemy, right? Practicing self soothing. What suits you? What lights you up? What fills your tank? Whatever that is, is do more of it. Right? Hanging in that hammock or floating in the river. Right? Whenever we are filled it, outpours keep it going. I love to remember the father of motivation, Zig Ziglar. He says, motivation. Doesn't last people tell him, right?

Motivation. Doesn't last. And he says, neither does bathing. You need to do it every day. So true. Right. We've got to keep it going, whatever it is. We want to practice kindness. We do it every day, right? We want kindness to ourselves. We practice it every day. It's like bathing record. It can a journal. Our mind tends to remember more our failures and our successes. And it is our job to retrain it. You are not your mind. You are the one in charge of your mind. It doesn't get to run. You, you run it. It is your tool. So you get to retrain it recorded in a journal. And that could be your feel good journal. And whenever we have those one of those days, cause we all have them. We can go back to our journal and remember those moments, right. That felt so good. And we could be flooded again with those emotions, with those hormones. Whenever we remember just recall the experience. It's so powerful.

I lost my mom at 14. I'm so sorry. And was raised by my father. Um, his, in his older years, he has become so negative that I have become the same. I don't like it and I'm trying to change. But it is hard when society is so negative. It is hard. But I can see that. You're not just trying, you're actually doing it right. You're here. You signed up for a kindness re um, session that already shows that you're doing it right. And as we do it more and more, it gets easier. It gets easier. Again, we tend to be really hard with ourselves. A 14 year old to lose their mom is a big deal. It's a big deal. My heart goes out to you and you are doing the best that you can, but you are already doing it. I have this thing where several clients will say, but it feels like I'm trying.

I'm trying. And I said, no, it, it seems to you like you're at the top of the, of this staircase, ready to jump from the trampoline into the water. But look at what you've already done. You already jumped. Maybe you haven't landed in the water yet, but you already jumped. Same. I say to you, I wish that person peace. Yes, we all do. You already did. You already jumped, you already doing it. So it's doing more of what you are being guided to do, right. Is there a book, is there a tool that you heard that you want to explore a little bit more the, the right tools, the right teachers will appear. You're already taking action. And that is the most important part. So a big hug and congratulations to you. Keep it going, um, practicing self-soothing as we set and recorded in a journal.

So two things for those difficult days, a few tips to remember, we have this tendency when something got sprung onto us, anything that is stressful that we didn't expect gets thrown onto us. We go into a state of tension, we resist it, we fight it. And we forget that what we resist persists, the key to release. Most of the tension is going to be the practice of acceptance, self acceptance. More than anything. When I say acceptance is doesn't mean condoning or resigning or forgiving acceptance here means two parts. It has two parts. The first part is it is what it is. This is the situation I'm being asked to deal with, right? This difficult person, this change in my job, this thing with the pandemic, whatever it is, right? This is what I'm being asked to deal with. If I can't look at it, I can't change it.

Part two is this is how I feel about it. It makes me feel vulnerable, scared, angry, upset. However it is that it makes you feel you have to make it. Okay. I have to make it okay. Within myself to feel that way. Nobody has to make it okay for me. I have to make it okay. Within myself. The more I can accept the way I feel. It's like coming out from this state of tension and resistance that is akin to being in the basement of a building where it's dark and it's hard to breathe and coming out and noticing that there's an elevator where the more I accept how I feel, the easier it is to move through the floors and the building to reach all the way to the penthouse, where I have a different perspective, I can breathe deeper and I'm able to notice the most important thing I can get out of the lower part of my brain, the fear response, the reactive mode and access the higher part of my brain, where I have access to all the resources and notice that no matter what the situation, no matter who's being difficult or what
's happening, I always have the choice to decide what I focus on, what I look at, how I feel about it.

And most importantly, what I do about it, I get to choose if I stay, if I leave, whether it be a job or a relationship, if I want to set a boundary, if I want to have a difficult conversation from that space of acceptance, I can ground myself back into my power, into my full power, having a much more clear perspective. And then I can decide, what do I want to do about it? What do I want to do about this difficult situation about this difficult person, right? And there, I can have some compassion because compassion, um, is going to be the trick when we're seeing somebody else in a difficult situation, right? And they're being difficult. We all have a story. We don't know their story, right? But we can be compassionate with them. If we first can be compassionate with ourselves, kindness follows compassion.

It's effortless. It's effortless. If we feel compassion, it's kindness. It's going to naturally follow it's. We're creating the circumstances for kindness to naturally emerge, right? And it is a gift that we're giving to the other person. And we're giving to ourselves to the other color, share how you were feeling with your dad, make a joke of how negative that situation is. I love that. I love that embarrass whatever comes your way and be vigilant and embrace, whatever comes your way and be vigilant. There are people around you that will be there for you. Smile, breathe, clear your mind, and you will find the answer on the path or a path 100%, 100% and remember right with everything difficult people, difficult days. Cause we all have them that we have access to support 24 7 through the EAP. It is available for you, whether it be through events like this or individual sessions, right.

Confidential, and available to you, whether it be, um, any of this, these topics, whatever it is that that you need support with. I always say, contact the EAP and find out if you're not sure about this topic or the other, I always say, you'll be pleasantly surprised. The information is on the screen. It is available 24 7, no cost and confidential. We all need help sometimes. And that's the other part, right? Some people feel, I know I did that. It's hard to ask for help that maybe the other person doesn't care or that, um, it's a sign of weakness. And with the cases with the mental, uh, mental health situation and the suicides it's help is available, it is available, right. It is available and we all need help. Sometimes it's absolutely normal. So I do want to leave you with, um, a conclusion and um, and I'll stay a few more minutes.

If you have any questions with everything that's going on in our world right now may fear. It may feel like fear is becoming prevalent. Where we walk. I know I take walks around my neighborhood. We are feeling the need to protect from each other, right. To protect ourselves, which is creating a disconnection, isolation, feeling loneliness. And it's even said that we need eight hugs to survive and 12 to thrive. Imagine that, right? And we're living in this space where it's like this disconnect is becoming more and more prevalent. We can begin to change this with just one simple act of kindness. Just one. It can be a sign, a symbol of hope for someone. I hate that one. Potato, that one coffee, right? Whatever that is. One small thing. Kindness is the only thing that doubles when you share it.

The only thing that doubles when you share it, thank you so much for being part of this experience. Please take very good care of yourselves. It's been an honor to spend this time with you. If you have any questions or any comments, I'm happy to stay a few more minutes. God bless you too. God bless you too. Thank you. That was a title. I'm an angel. Thank you. You made my day. You are so sweet. Thank you. Great lesson. Yes. It was a typo. I know. It's so cute. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Yes. This is a big hug. I'm sending you a big hug to thank you. Yes. We've taken this topic to another level. We all, um, yeah, it's been a shift for me. I'm going to start embracing acts of kindness in a whole different way. Thanks to this. I enjoyed it too. Right. We see what we are. My friends. We see what we are. So thank you for seeing me with those beautiful eyes, but that is what you are. I am so glad you enjoyed it. I do not see any questions. Watch this with my daughter. And she said to tell you she liked your shirt.

Oh, thank you. So cute. So cute. Thank you so much. Adorable. Send her a hug from me. Excellent. A big hug to everyone. Take very good care of yourselves. And

It's one simple thing. It's that one potato. Hope to see you again. I do hope I get to see you again soon too. You're very, very welcome. You're very welcome. We're needing an other meeting with you. Yes, absolutely. I'm here for you. It'd be my honor. You're very welcome. Take very good care of yourselves. It would be my honor. Definitely big hug. Now I'm going to stay my friends.

 

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