Raising a Resilient Child

Reviewed Jul 31, 2020

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Summary

  • There are many aspects of development that contribute to resilience, including competence and character.
  • Managing emotions is an important part of resilience.
  • Parents can help kids process their feelings in a healthy way to build resilience.

Resilience is often thought of as being able to get back up after getting knocked down. It is a group of skills and traits that help people work through tough times and feelings.

There are many steps you can take to boost resilience in your kids.

There are core competency areas that make up resilience. You can develop these competencies in yourself and your kids. They are:

  • Competence: being able to fully finish tasks. You can help by letting your kids solve problems and make mistakes, treating them as a chance to learn. Teach your kids to reflect and focus on their strengths.
  • Confidence: believing one can be effective. Give your kids honest and specific praise. Make sure they know you believe in what they can do. Help them learn when they falter instead of shaming. Be sure to offer praise for effort.
  • Connection: sharing time and meaning with others. Help your kids find meaningful connections at home, in school, and within the community. Fostering relationships with family and friends can help kids handle stress and find meaning.
  • Character: a feeling of right vs. wrong and how to consider others. Reinforce your kids’ good choices and model caring behavior to help build character.
  • Contribution: simply put, this means to give. Kids who help others feel good. Provide opportunities for your kids to volunteer or lend a hand when needed.
  • Coping: managing emotions during times of struggle. Kids might have negative thoughts when things don’t go their way, but it is important that they learn to see struggles as normal—and a time to learn. Make sure your kids have an outlet when they are upset, such as coloring or playing sports. Model healthy ways to cope with frustration.
  • Control: being able to control oneself in different ways. Talk to your kids about setting goals, and how to go after their goals step by step. Praise the hard work they put into working toward those goals.

Emotional resilience

Emotions are a major part of overall resilience, and learning how to manage them—coping, as described above—is key for kids. Help your kids strengthen emotional resilience by helping them process their feelings. If your child is feeling hurt, the most important thing you can do is listen. This helps them feel validated. It is important to normalize all feelings but still have rules about how to act. For example, kids can feel mad but shouldn’t be allowed to hit.

It is also vital to not mistake happiness for being emotionally healthy. Kids need to struggle to build resilience. It helps them learn to weather the storms that inevitably rise. Tell your kids that they will not always feel sad or angry, that this will pass. This allows your kids to know they can handle tough moments in the future.

We all need to learn that upsets are bound to happen, but we can choose how we handle it. At the same time, all feelings are fair feelings. This is a tricky balance, to be sure. But supporting your kids in these ways will help foster their resilience. 

By Sarah Stone
Source: "Resilience Guide for Parents & Teachers," American Psychological Association, www.apa.org/helpcenter/resilience.aspx; "How to Raise Resilient Children" by Justin Misurell, Ph.D., NYU Langone Health, Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, https://med.nyu.edu/child-adolescent-psychiatry/news/csc-news/2015/how-raise-resilient-children; "How to Raise an Emotionally Resilient Child" by Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., PBS Parents, www.pbs.org/parents/expert-tips-advice/2015/11/how-to-raise-an-emotionally-resilient-child/; モHow to Raise a Resilient Childヤ by Krissy Pozatek, L.C.S.W., mindbodygreen, www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16635/how-to-raise-a-resilient-child.html; "Emotional Intelligence," https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/eq.html?WT.ac=ctg

Summary

  • There are many aspects of development that contribute to resilience, including competence and character.
  • Managing emotions is an important part of resilience.
  • Parents can help kids process their feelings in a healthy way to build resilience.

Resilience is often thought of as being able to get back up after getting knocked down. It is a group of skills and traits that help people work through tough times and feelings.

There are many steps you can take to boost resilience in your kids.

There are core competency areas that make up resilience. You can develop these competencies in yourself and your kids. They are:

  • Competence: being able to fully finish tasks. You can help by letting your kids solve problems and make mistakes, treating them as a chance to learn. Teach your kids to reflect and focus on their strengths.
  • Confidence: believing one can be effective. Give your kids honest and specific praise. Make sure they know you believe in what they can do. Help them learn when they falter instead of shaming. Be sure to offer praise for effort.
  • Connection: sharing time and meaning with others. Help your kids find meaningful connections at home, in school, and within the community. Fostering relationships with family and friends can help kids handle stress and find meaning.
  • Character: a feeling of right vs. wrong and how to consider others. Reinforce your kids’ good choices and model caring behavior to help build character.
  • Contribution: simply put, this means to give. Kids who help others feel good. Provide opportunities for your kids to volunteer or lend a hand when needed.
  • Coping: managing emotions during times of struggle. Kids might have negative thoughts when things don’t go their way, but it is important that they learn to see struggles as normal—and a time to learn. Make sure your kids have an outlet when they are upset, such as coloring or playing sports. Model healthy ways to cope with frustration.
  • Control: being able to control oneself in different ways. Talk to your kids about setting goals, and how to go after their goals step by step. Praise the hard work they put into working toward those goals.

Emotional resilience

Emotions are a major part of overall resilience, and learning how to manage them—coping, as described above—is key for kids. Help your kids strengthen emotional resilience by helping them process their feelings. If your child is feeling hurt, the most important thing you can do is listen. This helps them feel validated. It is important to normalize all feelings but still have rules about how to act. For example, kids can feel mad but shouldn’t be allowed to hit.

It is also vital to not mistake happiness for being emotionally healthy. Kids need to struggle to build resilience. It helps them learn to weather the storms that inevitably rise. Tell your kids that they will not always feel sad or angry, that this will pass. This allows your kids to know they can handle tough moments in the future.

We all need to learn that upsets are bound to happen, but we can choose how we handle it. At the same time, all feelings are fair feelings. This is a tricky balance, to be sure. But supporting your kids in these ways will help foster their resilience. 

By Sarah Stone
Source: "Resilience Guide for Parents & Teachers," American Psychological Association, www.apa.org/helpcenter/resilience.aspx; "How to Raise Resilient Children" by Justin Misurell, Ph.D., NYU Langone Health, Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, https://med.nyu.edu/child-adolescent-psychiatry/news/csc-news/2015/how-raise-resilient-children; "How to Raise an Emotionally Resilient Child" by Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., PBS Parents, www.pbs.org/parents/expert-tips-advice/2015/11/how-to-raise-an-emotionally-resilient-child/; モHow to Raise a Resilient Childヤ by Krissy Pozatek, L.C.S.W., mindbodygreen, www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16635/how-to-raise-a-resilient-child.html; "Emotional Intelligence," https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/eq.html?WT.ac=ctg

Summary

  • There are many aspects of development that contribute to resilience, including competence and character.
  • Managing emotions is an important part of resilience.
  • Parents can help kids process their feelings in a healthy way to build resilience.

Resilience is often thought of as being able to get back up after getting knocked down. It is a group of skills and traits that help people work through tough times and feelings.

There are many steps you can take to boost resilience in your kids.

There are core competency areas that make up resilience. You can develop these competencies in yourself and your kids. They are:

  • Competence: being able to fully finish tasks. You can help by letting your kids solve problems and make mistakes, treating them as a chance to learn. Teach your kids to reflect and focus on their strengths.
  • Confidence: believing one can be effective. Give your kids honest and specific praise. Make sure they know you believe in what they can do. Help them learn when they falter instead of shaming. Be sure to offer praise for effort.
  • Connection: sharing time and meaning with others. Help your kids find meaningful connections at home, in school, and within the community. Fostering relationships with family and friends can help kids handle stress and find meaning.
  • Character: a feeling of right vs. wrong and how to consider others. Reinforce your kids’ good choices and model caring behavior to help build character.
  • Contribution: simply put, this means to give. Kids who help others feel good. Provide opportunities for your kids to volunteer or lend a hand when needed.
  • Coping: managing emotions during times of struggle. Kids might have negative thoughts when things don’t go their way, but it is important that they learn to see struggles as normal—and a time to learn. Make sure your kids have an outlet when they are upset, such as coloring or playing sports. Model healthy ways to cope with frustration.
  • Control: being able to control oneself in different ways. Talk to your kids about setting goals, and how to go after their goals step by step. Praise the hard work they put into working toward those goals.

Emotional resilience

Emotions are a major part of overall resilience, and learning how to manage them—coping, as described above—is key for kids. Help your kids strengthen emotional resilience by helping them process their feelings. If your child is feeling hurt, the most important thing you can do is listen. This helps them feel validated. It is important to normalize all feelings but still have rules about how to act. For example, kids can feel mad but shouldn’t be allowed to hit.

It is also vital to not mistake happiness for being emotionally healthy. Kids need to struggle to build resilience. It helps them learn to weather the storms that inevitably rise. Tell your kids that they will not always feel sad or angry, that this will pass. This allows your kids to know they can handle tough moments in the future.

We all need to learn that upsets are bound to happen, but we can choose how we handle it. At the same time, all feelings are fair feelings. This is a tricky balance, to be sure. But supporting your kids in these ways will help foster their resilience. 

By Sarah Stone
Source: "Resilience Guide for Parents & Teachers," American Psychological Association, www.apa.org/helpcenter/resilience.aspx; "How to Raise Resilient Children" by Justin Misurell, Ph.D., NYU Langone Health, Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, https://med.nyu.edu/child-adolescent-psychiatry/news/csc-news/2015/how-raise-resilient-children; "How to Raise an Emotionally Resilient Child" by Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., PBS Parents, www.pbs.org/parents/expert-tips-advice/2015/11/how-to-raise-an-emotionally-resilient-child/; モHow to Raise a Resilient Childヤ by Krissy Pozatek, L.C.S.W., mindbodygreen, www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16635/how-to-raise-a-resilient-child.html; "Emotional Intelligence," https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/eq.html?WT.ac=ctg

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