Summary
- Be a coach, not a critic.
- Make sure that your request is age-appropriate.
- Communicate expectations clearly.
When parents are asked, “What do your children do (or not do) that really pushes your buttons?” most express their frustration with not having children listen and follow directions the first time they are asked to do something. Whether the request is for a toddler to stop playing and get ready for bed or for an older child to put away her belongings, few children listen and follow directions the first time they are asked without teaching from their parents.
Children naturally ignore, whine, and argue when parents make a request that the child is not eager to fulfill. As a parent, you have an opportunity to help your child with this essential skill for living. Your approach as a parent makes all the difference in your child’s willingness to comply.
There is a five-step process that can be like a “magic wand” to get your child to do what you want.
1. Set the stage: Make sure that your request is age-appropriate, that your child is ready to listen, and that you are connecting.
Asking a preschooler to clean up a messy room is a very difficult direction to follow. A younger child needs the task broken into smaller steps. For example, “Please put your dolls/Legos in the basket.” Determine if your child is developmentally capable of understanding and demonstrating the skill.
Next, make sure your child is ready to listen. When making a request, eye contact is vital. Have the child stop playing, watching television, listening to music, texting, or doing any activity so that she can look at you. If your child is younger, get down on his level. Stop what you are doing and move to your child. Eliminate as many distractions as possible.
2. Communicate your expectations clearly in behavioral terms.
“I want you to be good when we go in the store,” is not nearly as clear as, “When we go in the store, we are only getting the things on the list. I want you to help me find what’s on our list. Please don’t ask me for anything extra that’s not on the list. If you do and I say ‘no,’ I want you to say, ’OK.’” Instead of, “Be home on time,” a clearer request is, “I want you to be inside the house by midnight.” The more precisely you describes the desired behavior, the greater the likelihood that the child will fulfill the request.
3. Be a coach, not a critic.
Coaches bring out the best in their players, just as parents want to bring out the best in their children. When a child is criticized, labeled negatively, or shamed, damage is done to the parent-child relationship. Just as coaches analyze plays, parents need to think about things that have been a problem in the past and develop a new plan of action. Tell your child what you want him to do, not what you do not want him to do. Telling him to stop yelling or whining is not as effective as saying, “Please use your inside voice,” or “Speak with an even voice tone, please.”
Just like coaches do, getting children to practice a skill in advance sets them up for success. If you know that coming to the table for dinner on the first request is challenging, talk with your child before mealtime. Say, “Tonight when I ask you to come to the table, I want you to stop what you are doing and immediately get your feet walking to the table. Let’s practice right now. Pretend you are busy and you hear me say, ‘It’s time to come to dinner.’ Show me what you will do.”
4. Think outside the box.
In the parenting book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, the authors suggest creative techniques for engaging cooperation such as giving instructions with a word or writing a note. Directions at bedtime could be: “bath,” “pajamas,” followed by “teeth.”
Children can become desensitized to a parent’s repeated requests. Notes can be another effective method. For example, a sticky note on the remote control: “Remember—before this comes on, all homework must be done,” or a note where the child plays: “Toys away after play.” If the child is too young to read, you can take pictures of the child doing specific actions. Then, instead of repeating instructions, pointing to the picture can be a fun way to give an instruction.
Praise specifically and enthusiastically.
5. The “4:1 Rule,” proposed in the book Girls and Boys Town Common Sense Parenting, means that for every one correction parents give a child, they should give four positives. When a child follows directions, a parent has an opportunity to reinforce that behavior by showing approval and describing specifically what the child did. “Wow!” (Give the child a high five.) “When I asked you to stop playing video games and help set the table, you came right away. The plates, napkins, and silverware are all in the right places! Thanks for listening and helping to get ready for dinner.”
Many times parents wish for a wand to “zap” a child into cooperative, compliant behavior. In reality, the wand is more effective when it is used on the parent to change the approach.
Summary
- Be a coach, not a critic.
- Make sure that your request is age-appropriate.
- Communicate expectations clearly.
When parents are asked, “What do your children do (or not do) that really pushes your buttons?” most express their frustration with not having children listen and follow directions the first time they are asked to do something. Whether the request is for a toddler to stop playing and get ready for bed or for an older child to put away her belongings, few children listen and follow directions the first time they are asked without teaching from their parents.
Children naturally ignore, whine, and argue when parents make a request that the child is not eager to fulfill. As a parent, you have an opportunity to help your child with this essential skill for living. Your approach as a parent makes all the difference in your child’s willingness to comply.
There is a five-step process that can be like a “magic wand” to get your child to do what you want.
1. Set the stage: Make sure that your request is age-appropriate, that your child is ready to listen, and that you are connecting.
Asking a preschooler to clean up a messy room is a very difficult direction to follow. A younger child needs the task broken into smaller steps. For example, “Please put your dolls/Legos in the basket.” Determine if your child is developmentally capable of understanding and demonstrating the skill.
Next, make sure your child is ready to listen. When making a request, eye contact is vital. Have the child stop playing, watching television, listening to music, texting, or doing any activity so that she can look at you. If your child is younger, get down on his level. Stop what you are doing and move to your child. Eliminate as many distractions as possible.
2. Communicate your expectations clearly in behavioral terms.
“I want you to be good when we go in the store,” is not nearly as clear as, “When we go in the store, we are only getting the things on the list. I want you to help me find what’s on our list. Please don’t ask me for anything extra that’s not on the list. If you do and I say ‘no,’ I want you to say, ’OK.’” Instead of, “Be home on time,” a clearer request is, “I want you to be inside the house by midnight.” The more precisely you describes the desired behavior, the greater the likelihood that the child will fulfill the request.
3. Be a coach, not a critic.
Coaches bring out the best in their players, just as parents want to bring out the best in their children. When a child is criticized, labeled negatively, or shamed, damage is done to the parent-child relationship. Just as coaches analyze plays, parents need to think about things that have been a problem in the past and develop a new plan of action. Tell your child what you want him to do, not what you do not want him to do. Telling him to stop yelling or whining is not as effective as saying, “Please use your inside voice,” or “Speak with an even voice tone, please.”
Just like coaches do, getting children to practice a skill in advance sets them up for success. If you know that coming to the table for dinner on the first request is challenging, talk with your child before mealtime. Say, “Tonight when I ask you to come to the table, I want you to stop what you are doing and immediately get your feet walking to the table. Let’s practice right now. Pretend you are busy and you hear me say, ‘It’s time to come to dinner.’ Show me what you will do.”
4. Think outside the box.
In the parenting book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, the authors suggest creative techniques for engaging cooperation such as giving instructions with a word or writing a note. Directions at bedtime could be: “bath,” “pajamas,” followed by “teeth.”
Children can become desensitized to a parent’s repeated requests. Notes can be another effective method. For example, a sticky note on the remote control: “Remember—before this comes on, all homework must be done,” or a note where the child plays: “Toys away after play.” If the child is too young to read, you can take pictures of the child doing specific actions. Then, instead of repeating instructions, pointing to the picture can be a fun way to give an instruction.
Praise specifically and enthusiastically.
5. The “4:1 Rule,” proposed in the book Girls and Boys Town Common Sense Parenting, means that for every one correction parents give a child, they should give four positives. When a child follows directions, a parent has an opportunity to reinforce that behavior by showing approval and describing specifically what the child did. “Wow!” (Give the child a high five.) “When I asked you to stop playing video games and help set the table, you came right away. The plates, napkins, and silverware are all in the right places! Thanks for listening and helping to get ready for dinner.”
Many times parents wish for a wand to “zap” a child into cooperative, compliant behavior. In reality, the wand is more effective when it is used on the parent to change the approach.
Summary
- Be a coach, not a critic.
- Make sure that your request is age-appropriate.
- Communicate expectations clearly.
When parents are asked, “What do your children do (or not do) that really pushes your buttons?” most express their frustration with not having children listen and follow directions the first time they are asked to do something. Whether the request is for a toddler to stop playing and get ready for bed or for an older child to put away her belongings, few children listen and follow directions the first time they are asked without teaching from their parents.
Children naturally ignore, whine, and argue when parents make a request that the child is not eager to fulfill. As a parent, you have an opportunity to help your child with this essential skill for living. Your approach as a parent makes all the difference in your child’s willingness to comply.
There is a five-step process that can be like a “magic wand” to get your child to do what you want.
1. Set the stage: Make sure that your request is age-appropriate, that your child is ready to listen, and that you are connecting.
Asking a preschooler to clean up a messy room is a very difficult direction to follow. A younger child needs the task broken into smaller steps. For example, “Please put your dolls/Legos in the basket.” Determine if your child is developmentally capable of understanding and demonstrating the skill.
Next, make sure your child is ready to listen. When making a request, eye contact is vital. Have the child stop playing, watching television, listening to music, texting, or doing any activity so that she can look at you. If your child is younger, get down on his level. Stop what you are doing and move to your child. Eliminate as many distractions as possible.
2. Communicate your expectations clearly in behavioral terms.
“I want you to be good when we go in the store,” is not nearly as clear as, “When we go in the store, we are only getting the things on the list. I want you to help me find what’s on our list. Please don’t ask me for anything extra that’s not on the list. If you do and I say ‘no,’ I want you to say, ’OK.’” Instead of, “Be home on time,” a clearer request is, “I want you to be inside the house by midnight.” The more precisely you describes the desired behavior, the greater the likelihood that the child will fulfill the request.
3. Be a coach, not a critic.
Coaches bring out the best in their players, just as parents want to bring out the best in their children. When a child is criticized, labeled negatively, or shamed, damage is done to the parent-child relationship. Just as coaches analyze plays, parents need to think about things that have been a problem in the past and develop a new plan of action. Tell your child what you want him to do, not what you do not want him to do. Telling him to stop yelling or whining is not as effective as saying, “Please use your inside voice,” or “Speak with an even voice tone, please.”
Just like coaches do, getting children to practice a skill in advance sets them up for success. If you know that coming to the table for dinner on the first request is challenging, talk with your child before mealtime. Say, “Tonight when I ask you to come to the table, I want you to stop what you are doing and immediately get your feet walking to the table. Let’s practice right now. Pretend you are busy and you hear me say, ‘It’s time to come to dinner.’ Show me what you will do.”
4. Think outside the box.
In the parenting book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, the authors suggest creative techniques for engaging cooperation such as giving instructions with a word or writing a note. Directions at bedtime could be: “bath,” “pajamas,” followed by “teeth.”
Children can become desensitized to a parent’s repeated requests. Notes can be another effective method. For example, a sticky note on the remote control: “Remember—before this comes on, all homework must be done,” or a note where the child plays: “Toys away after play.” If the child is too young to read, you can take pictures of the child doing specific actions. Then, instead of repeating instructions, pointing to the picture can be a fun way to give an instruction.
Praise specifically and enthusiastically.
5. The “4:1 Rule,” proposed in the book Girls and Boys Town Common Sense Parenting, means that for every one correction parents give a child, they should give four positives. When a child follows directions, a parent has an opportunity to reinforce that behavior by showing approval and describing specifically what the child did. “Wow!” (Give the child a high five.) “When I asked you to stop playing video games and help set the table, you came right away. The plates, napkins, and silverware are all in the right places! Thanks for listening and helping to get ready for dinner.”
Many times parents wish for a wand to “zap” a child into cooperative, compliant behavior. In reality, the wand is more effective when it is used on the parent to change the approach.