Summary
There are several popular myths that can get in the way of blended families and their success.
The term blended family might sound like a science project, but it defines two adults blending their children into a household. At times, a blended family may have added family members or family friends. There are many reasons why blended families happen:
- Divorce and remarriage
- Split parents and new partners
- Death of a spouse
The new family doesn’t have to look like the former family unit or what is in kids’ books. And like the books, there are myths that show the good and bad. Let’s look at some of them.
Myth: Love is easy.
Even though you and your new partner have enough love to pull your households together, don’t expect as much from the other family members who may not feel the same. Love between stepparents and kids, or new brothers or sisters, takes time. Change can be hard, and anger can be easy. Make sure your union has a strong bond and good communication, and the view that all issues can be solved together. Not only will it help you and your new partner enjoy each other more, but you will also be a good role model.
Myth: The past won’t repeat itself.
You and your new partner have both learned from your last marriages and won’t make the same mistakes. Even though your blended family is new, people still bring the past with them. Keep working on settling prior issues. Keep rules and rewards within the family system to help create stability, and be patient in expecting change and improvements.
Myth: The kids are damaged.
Even if children have a hard time going through a breakup and/or remarriage, they can move past it when given proper support and attention. Parents often feel guilty and do what they can to make their kids feel better. Many times this involves being too easy on them at a time when they need structure the most. Based on their age and stage, kids might push back on the new adults in their life. Make it known that the stepparent or adult figure is not taking the place of their mom or dad—even if the parent has died or is not in the picture. If there is a parent who is not living in the home, try to keep them in the child’s life.
Myth: Stepmothers are wicked.
We have all heard the tales of wicked stepmothers within fairy tales, books, and movies. And many of them are known by descriptions rather than proper names: the wicked stepmother, evil stepmother, stepmonster. Women have been portrayed as jealous of their stepchildren, purposefully trying to make the child’s life hard. If anything, the stepmother often has the hard role of trying to be a mother figure as well as enforcing new family rules. She isn’t there to take the place of the mother. But she will help support the child along with her partner.
Myth: Blended families are bad.
Enjoy the contrasts of all persons in the family and what each brings to the table. This can involve various age, cultural, and economic backgrounds; sexual orientations; and more. It’s not realistic to expect the new family members to replace former ones or be who they are not. There is a lot to learn from each other. A grandparent can give friendship and life lessons to a younger child. A family friend renting a room might be a good cook and offer to make meals for the rest of the household. Or a stepparent might be good at math and can help with homework.
Blended households need new rules for their new dynamic. Hold a family meeting to talk about the expectations and needs of the household. When possible, involve the other parent(s) or guardian(s) if they are not part of the home to give a more cohesive set of rules that can be reinforced in the homes of this new family.
Counseling can help during the transition and beyond. An expert can help you and your new family ease into a household filled with love and respect.
Summary
There are several popular myths that can get in the way of blended families and their success.
The term blended family might sound like a science project, but it defines two adults blending their children into a household. At times, a blended family may have added family members or family friends. There are many reasons why blended families happen:
- Divorce and remarriage
- Split parents and new partners
- Death of a spouse
The new family doesn’t have to look like the former family unit or what is in kids’ books. And like the books, there are myths that show the good and bad. Let’s look at some of them.
Myth: Love is easy.
Even though you and your new partner have enough love to pull your households together, don’t expect as much from the other family members who may not feel the same. Love between stepparents and kids, or new brothers or sisters, takes time. Change can be hard, and anger can be easy. Make sure your union has a strong bond and good communication, and the view that all issues can be solved together. Not only will it help you and your new partner enjoy each other more, but you will also be a good role model.
Myth: The past won’t repeat itself.
You and your new partner have both learned from your last marriages and won’t make the same mistakes. Even though your blended family is new, people still bring the past with them. Keep working on settling prior issues. Keep rules and rewards within the family system to help create stability, and be patient in expecting change and improvements.
Myth: The kids are damaged.
Even if children have a hard time going through a breakup and/or remarriage, they can move past it when given proper support and attention. Parents often feel guilty and do what they can to make their kids feel better. Many times this involves being too easy on them at a time when they need structure the most. Based on their age and stage, kids might push back on the new adults in their life. Make it known that the stepparent or adult figure is not taking the place of their mom or dad—even if the parent has died or is not in the picture. If there is a parent who is not living in the home, try to keep them in the child’s life.
Myth: Stepmothers are wicked.
We have all heard the tales of wicked stepmothers within fairy tales, books, and movies. And many of them are known by descriptions rather than proper names: the wicked stepmother, evil stepmother, stepmonster. Women have been portrayed as jealous of their stepchildren, purposefully trying to make the child’s life hard. If anything, the stepmother often has the hard role of trying to be a mother figure as well as enforcing new family rules. She isn’t there to take the place of the mother. But she will help support the child along with her partner.
Myth: Blended families are bad.
Enjoy the contrasts of all persons in the family and what each brings to the table. This can involve various age, cultural, and economic backgrounds; sexual orientations; and more. It’s not realistic to expect the new family members to replace former ones or be who they are not. There is a lot to learn from each other. A grandparent can give friendship and life lessons to a younger child. A family friend renting a room might be a good cook and offer to make meals for the rest of the household. Or a stepparent might be good at math and can help with homework.
Blended households need new rules for their new dynamic. Hold a family meeting to talk about the expectations and needs of the household. When possible, involve the other parent(s) or guardian(s) if they are not part of the home to give a more cohesive set of rules that can be reinforced in the homes of this new family.
Counseling can help during the transition and beyond. An expert can help you and your new family ease into a household filled with love and respect.
Summary
There are several popular myths that can get in the way of blended families and their success.
The term blended family might sound like a science project, but it defines two adults blending their children into a household. At times, a blended family may have added family members or family friends. There are many reasons why blended families happen:
- Divorce and remarriage
- Split parents and new partners
- Death of a spouse
The new family doesn’t have to look like the former family unit or what is in kids’ books. And like the books, there are myths that show the good and bad. Let’s look at some of them.
Myth: Love is easy.
Even though you and your new partner have enough love to pull your households together, don’t expect as much from the other family members who may not feel the same. Love between stepparents and kids, or new brothers or sisters, takes time. Change can be hard, and anger can be easy. Make sure your union has a strong bond and good communication, and the view that all issues can be solved together. Not only will it help you and your new partner enjoy each other more, but you will also be a good role model.
Myth: The past won’t repeat itself.
You and your new partner have both learned from your last marriages and won’t make the same mistakes. Even though your blended family is new, people still bring the past with them. Keep working on settling prior issues. Keep rules and rewards within the family system to help create stability, and be patient in expecting change and improvements.
Myth: The kids are damaged.
Even if children have a hard time going through a breakup and/or remarriage, they can move past it when given proper support and attention. Parents often feel guilty and do what they can to make their kids feel better. Many times this involves being too easy on them at a time when they need structure the most. Based on their age and stage, kids might push back on the new adults in their life. Make it known that the stepparent or adult figure is not taking the place of their mom or dad—even if the parent has died or is not in the picture. If there is a parent who is not living in the home, try to keep them in the child’s life.
Myth: Stepmothers are wicked.
We have all heard the tales of wicked stepmothers within fairy tales, books, and movies. And many of them are known by descriptions rather than proper names: the wicked stepmother, evil stepmother, stepmonster. Women have been portrayed as jealous of their stepchildren, purposefully trying to make the child’s life hard. If anything, the stepmother often has the hard role of trying to be a mother figure as well as enforcing new family rules. She isn’t there to take the place of the mother. But she will help support the child along with her partner.
Myth: Blended families are bad.
Enjoy the contrasts of all persons in the family and what each brings to the table. This can involve various age, cultural, and economic backgrounds; sexual orientations; and more. It’s not realistic to expect the new family members to replace former ones or be who they are not. There is a lot to learn from each other. A grandparent can give friendship and life lessons to a younger child. A family friend renting a room might be a good cook and offer to make meals for the rest of the household. Or a stepparent might be good at math and can help with homework.
Blended households need new rules for their new dynamic. Hold a family meeting to talk about the expectations and needs of the household. When possible, involve the other parent(s) or guardian(s) if they are not part of the home to give a more cohesive set of rules that can be reinforced in the homes of this new family.
Counseling can help during the transition and beyond. An expert can help you and your new family ease into a household filled with love and respect.