Summary
Anger:
- Admit it
- Explore it
- Express it
- Drop it
Mental health experts agree it is important that we handle angry feelings effectively. But how?
Let’s take a look at anger. Anger is a normal human emotion, like love, sadness, fear, and joy. Anger, like all feelings, is always valid. Not all expressions of anger are healthy. When anger is held in, depression, obesity, and other physical symptoms, such as headaches and high blood pressure, can develop. Anger inappropriately turned outward, or externalized, usually takes the form of blaming, aggressive behavior, and even violence.
How we express anger is something we learn as children. Because we learn how to experience anger, we can also learn how to manage it. This four-step approach may help you better handle angry feelings:
Admit it
The next time you feel angry, admit it. Don’t deny feeling angry or try to cover it up. When you take responsibility for your feelings, you can then choose how to express them responsibly. Dispel personal myths about anger such as, “If I get angry, I will be rejected.”
Explore it
Then, explore why you’re angry—identify the source of your feelings. Often your anger is caused by the belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust. The thoughts that cause anger more often than not have distortions and unrealistic expectations. Adjusting your expectations is the simplest solution.
Express it
Expressing your anger is the next step. Try to put yourself in the driver’s seat before expressing yourself. That is, find a way to calm down a bit first. Put distance between yourself and the source of your anger by taking a break from the situation, going for a walk, and taking a few deep breaths.
Stop—understand your motives and think about your options before you express yourself. When you can talk about the issue without exploding, do so. It is legitimate to say you are angry or displeased with another person. Use constructive language rather than accusations, threats, or name-calling. Use “I” statements to assertively communicate your feelings and to state requests. For example: “I feel angry that you lied to me. I would like you to be honest with me in the future.”
Drop it
The final step is often the hardest. Once you’ve let the object of your anger know how you feel, drop it. Whether the other person changes or not, you’ve done all you can to express your anger in a healthy way and influence the situation. Now you’ve got to let go and move on.
Sometimes we stubbornly hold on to our anger, sulking and punishing those around us because we feel we have a right to be angry. The key issue is this: is it to your advantage to hold on to your anger? Chances are that when you rid yourself of it, you will have greater joy, peace, productivity, and intimacy.
Dos and don’ts when you’re feeling angry
- Do ask yourself: “What is another way of looking at this?”
- Don’t tell another person what she “should” think or feel.
- Do take time out to de-escalate, clarify your position, and think over your options.
- Don’t displace your anger by yelling at your kids or driving aggressively.
- Do be specific when you introduce your gripes and requests.
- Don’t assume you know what others are thinking or that you have all the information about a situation.
- Do try to appreciate the fact that people have different perspectives.
- Don’t use unfair tactics such as blaming, labeling, or threatening.
- Do strive for a “win-win” resolution by considering compromise and negotiation.
- Don’t ever use violence to express your anger or resolve problems.
Resources
The Anger Workbook: An Interactive Guide to Anger Management by Les Carter and Dr. Frank Minirth. Thomas Nelson; Csm Rep edition, 2012.
The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner, PhD, William Morrow Paperbacks, 2014.
The Gift of Anger: Seven Steps to Uncover the Meaning of Anger and Gain Awareness, True Strength, and Peace by Marcia Cannon, PhD, New Harbinger Publications, 2011.
Summary
Anger:
- Admit it
- Explore it
- Express it
- Drop it
Mental health experts agree it is important that we handle angry feelings effectively. But how?
Let’s take a look at anger. Anger is a normal human emotion, like love, sadness, fear, and joy. Anger, like all feelings, is always valid. Not all expressions of anger are healthy. When anger is held in, depression, obesity, and other physical symptoms, such as headaches and high blood pressure, can develop. Anger inappropriately turned outward, or externalized, usually takes the form of blaming, aggressive behavior, and even violence.
How we express anger is something we learn as children. Because we learn how to experience anger, we can also learn how to manage it. This four-step approach may help you better handle angry feelings:
Admit it
The next time you feel angry, admit it. Don’t deny feeling angry or try to cover it up. When you take responsibility for your feelings, you can then choose how to express them responsibly. Dispel personal myths about anger such as, “If I get angry, I will be rejected.”
Explore it
Then, explore why you’re angry—identify the source of your feelings. Often your anger is caused by the belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust. The thoughts that cause anger more often than not have distortions and unrealistic expectations. Adjusting your expectations is the simplest solution.
Express it
Expressing your anger is the next step. Try to put yourself in the driver’s seat before expressing yourself. That is, find a way to calm down a bit first. Put distance between yourself and the source of your anger by taking a break from the situation, going for a walk, and taking a few deep breaths.
Stop—understand your motives and think about your options before you express yourself. When you can talk about the issue without exploding, do so. It is legitimate to say you are angry or displeased with another person. Use constructive language rather than accusations, threats, or name-calling. Use “I” statements to assertively communicate your feelings and to state requests. For example: “I feel angry that you lied to me. I would like you to be honest with me in the future.”
Drop it
The final step is often the hardest. Once you’ve let the object of your anger know how you feel, drop it. Whether the other person changes or not, you’ve done all you can to express your anger in a healthy way and influence the situation. Now you’ve got to let go and move on.
Sometimes we stubbornly hold on to our anger, sulking and punishing those around us because we feel we have a right to be angry. The key issue is this: is it to your advantage to hold on to your anger? Chances are that when you rid yourself of it, you will have greater joy, peace, productivity, and intimacy.
Dos and don’ts when you’re feeling angry
- Do ask yourself: “What is another way of looking at this?”
- Don’t tell another person what she “should” think or feel.
- Do take time out to de-escalate, clarify your position, and think over your options.
- Don’t displace your anger by yelling at your kids or driving aggressively.
- Do be specific when you introduce your gripes and requests.
- Don’t assume you know what others are thinking or that you have all the information about a situation.
- Do try to appreciate the fact that people have different perspectives.
- Don’t use unfair tactics such as blaming, labeling, or threatening.
- Do strive for a “win-win” resolution by considering compromise and negotiation.
- Don’t ever use violence to express your anger or resolve problems.
Resources
The Anger Workbook: An Interactive Guide to Anger Management by Les Carter and Dr. Frank Minirth. Thomas Nelson; Csm Rep edition, 2012.
The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner, PhD, William Morrow Paperbacks, 2014.
The Gift of Anger: Seven Steps to Uncover the Meaning of Anger and Gain Awareness, True Strength, and Peace by Marcia Cannon, PhD, New Harbinger Publications, 2011.
Summary
Anger:
- Admit it
- Explore it
- Express it
- Drop it
Mental health experts agree it is important that we handle angry feelings effectively. But how?
Let’s take a look at anger. Anger is a normal human emotion, like love, sadness, fear, and joy. Anger, like all feelings, is always valid. Not all expressions of anger are healthy. When anger is held in, depression, obesity, and other physical symptoms, such as headaches and high blood pressure, can develop. Anger inappropriately turned outward, or externalized, usually takes the form of blaming, aggressive behavior, and even violence.
How we express anger is something we learn as children. Because we learn how to experience anger, we can also learn how to manage it. This four-step approach may help you better handle angry feelings:
Admit it
The next time you feel angry, admit it. Don’t deny feeling angry or try to cover it up. When you take responsibility for your feelings, you can then choose how to express them responsibly. Dispel personal myths about anger such as, “If I get angry, I will be rejected.”
Explore it
Then, explore why you’re angry—identify the source of your feelings. Often your anger is caused by the belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust. The thoughts that cause anger more often than not have distortions and unrealistic expectations. Adjusting your expectations is the simplest solution.
Express it
Expressing your anger is the next step. Try to put yourself in the driver’s seat before expressing yourself. That is, find a way to calm down a bit first. Put distance between yourself and the source of your anger by taking a break from the situation, going for a walk, and taking a few deep breaths.
Stop—understand your motives and think about your options before you express yourself. When you can talk about the issue without exploding, do so. It is legitimate to say you are angry or displeased with another person. Use constructive language rather than accusations, threats, or name-calling. Use “I” statements to assertively communicate your feelings and to state requests. For example: “I feel angry that you lied to me. I would like you to be honest with me in the future.”
Drop it
The final step is often the hardest. Once you’ve let the object of your anger know how you feel, drop it. Whether the other person changes or not, you’ve done all you can to express your anger in a healthy way and influence the situation. Now you’ve got to let go and move on.
Sometimes we stubbornly hold on to our anger, sulking and punishing those around us because we feel we have a right to be angry. The key issue is this: is it to your advantage to hold on to your anger? Chances are that when you rid yourself of it, you will have greater joy, peace, productivity, and intimacy.
Dos and don’ts when you’re feeling angry
- Do ask yourself: “What is another way of looking at this?”
- Don’t tell another person what she “should” think or feel.
- Do take time out to de-escalate, clarify your position, and think over your options.
- Don’t displace your anger by yelling at your kids or driving aggressively.
- Do be specific when you introduce your gripes and requests.
- Don’t assume you know what others are thinking or that you have all the information about a situation.
- Do try to appreciate the fact that people have different perspectives.
- Don’t use unfair tactics such as blaming, labeling, or threatening.
- Do strive for a “win-win” resolution by considering compromise and negotiation.
- Don’t ever use violence to express your anger or resolve problems.
Resources
The Anger Workbook: An Interactive Guide to Anger Management by Les Carter and Dr. Frank Minirth. Thomas Nelson; Csm Rep edition, 2012.
The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner, PhD, William Morrow Paperbacks, 2014.
The Gift of Anger: Seven Steps to Uncover the Meaning of Anger and Gain Awareness, True Strength, and Peace by Marcia Cannon, PhD, New Harbinger Publications, 2011.