Summary
Incorporate "The Magic Five Hours":
- Partings
- Reunions
- Admiration and appreciation
- Affection
- Weekly date
Relationship drift
Every major relationship has times of drift—when you and your loved one are moving away from rather than toward each other. A cycle of closeness and disconnection is normal and part of even the healthiest and happiest ones.
Outside events, life changes or feelings touching one or both partners can upset times of closeness and lead to such drift. Other common events that can prompt times of drift (and conversely, sometimes serve to bring couples closer together) include:
- Raising children
- Becoming empty nesters
- Personal growth through a new interest or project
- Retirement
- Job loss
- Career change
- Return to work
- Sickness
- Caregiving
Getting your relationship back on track
Often, this cycle of closeness and disconnect goes unnoticed, particularly over the short term. But when periods of drift bring about feelings that your relationship is off track, heed this intuitive alarm: It is alerting you to take action before any harmful relationship patterns or negative emotions like hurt feelings, resentment, or jealousy go unchecked and potentially derail your marriage. Sometimes, feelings of disconnect are one-sided. In this case, it’s important that you not let your partner convince you that your feelings are unfounded and don’t need care.
To renew a sense of closeness when you feel adrift—or to make sure that you will reconnect after normal (even predictable) periods of drift—you must set aside time to be together. While a weekend away from the kids or life distractions is a good way to renew closeness and open the lines of communication, incorporating “together” time into your everyday routine is more useful. Doing so requires that you protect this time by not overcommitting yourself and your family members.
Psychologist and marriage coach John Gottman suggests a plan called “The Magic Five Hours,” which incorporates five hours of together time into the course of a week. Here’s how it adds up:
- Partings: Before you say goodbye in the morning, find out at least one thing that is occurring in your partner’s life that day (two minutes per day, five days a week = 10 minutes).
- Reunions: Have a stress-reducing talk at the end of each workday (20 minutes per day, five days a week = one hour and 40 minutes).
- Admiration and appreciation: Find some way each day to communicate affection and appreciation toward your spouse (five minutes per day, seven days a week = 35 minutes).
- Affection: Kiss, hold and touch each other (five minutes per day, 7 days a week = 35 minutes).
- Weekly date (Two hours once a week).
Relationship enhancement programs and support groups
Relationship enhancement programs and support groups can help aid the renewal of communication and intimacy, as well as help you to build skills in resolving conflict when your marriage is strained. Religious and community-based programs may offer weekend retreats, weekly meetings and workshops that foster marriage building. Some mental health care practices also offer such programs. At-home programs are also available through relationship-enhancement program providers and self-help books.
Marriage counseling
Marital drift that goes unchecked can build momentum, making a mountain out of a molehill. Couples counselors often can give the direction and framework to help couples identify the core issues and resolve them. When seeking the help of a therapist, however, make sure to ask if the person is oriented toward helping couples stay in the marriage.
Summary
Incorporate "The Magic Five Hours":
- Partings
- Reunions
- Admiration and appreciation
- Affection
- Weekly date
Relationship drift
Every major relationship has times of drift—when you and your loved one are moving away from rather than toward each other. A cycle of closeness and disconnection is normal and part of even the healthiest and happiest ones.
Outside events, life changes or feelings touching one or both partners can upset times of closeness and lead to such drift. Other common events that can prompt times of drift (and conversely, sometimes serve to bring couples closer together) include:
- Raising children
- Becoming empty nesters
- Personal growth through a new interest or project
- Retirement
- Job loss
- Career change
- Return to work
- Sickness
- Caregiving
Getting your relationship back on track
Often, this cycle of closeness and disconnect goes unnoticed, particularly over the short term. But when periods of drift bring about feelings that your relationship is off track, heed this intuitive alarm: It is alerting you to take action before any harmful relationship patterns or negative emotions like hurt feelings, resentment, or jealousy go unchecked and potentially derail your marriage. Sometimes, feelings of disconnect are one-sided. In this case, it’s important that you not let your partner convince you that your feelings are unfounded and don’t need care.
To renew a sense of closeness when you feel adrift—or to make sure that you will reconnect after normal (even predictable) periods of drift—you must set aside time to be together. While a weekend away from the kids or life distractions is a good way to renew closeness and open the lines of communication, incorporating “together” time into your everyday routine is more useful. Doing so requires that you protect this time by not overcommitting yourself and your family members.
Psychologist and marriage coach John Gottman suggests a plan called “The Magic Five Hours,” which incorporates five hours of together time into the course of a week. Here’s how it adds up:
- Partings: Before you say goodbye in the morning, find out at least one thing that is occurring in your partner’s life that day (two minutes per day, five days a week = 10 minutes).
- Reunions: Have a stress-reducing talk at the end of each workday (20 minutes per day, five days a week = one hour and 40 minutes).
- Admiration and appreciation: Find some way each day to communicate affection and appreciation toward your spouse (five minutes per day, seven days a week = 35 minutes).
- Affection: Kiss, hold and touch each other (five minutes per day, 7 days a week = 35 minutes).
- Weekly date (Two hours once a week).
Relationship enhancement programs and support groups
Relationship enhancement programs and support groups can help aid the renewal of communication and intimacy, as well as help you to build skills in resolving conflict when your marriage is strained. Religious and community-based programs may offer weekend retreats, weekly meetings and workshops that foster marriage building. Some mental health care practices also offer such programs. At-home programs are also available through relationship-enhancement program providers and self-help books.
Marriage counseling
Marital drift that goes unchecked can build momentum, making a mountain out of a molehill. Couples counselors often can give the direction and framework to help couples identify the core issues and resolve them. When seeking the help of a therapist, however, make sure to ask if the person is oriented toward helping couples stay in the marriage.
Summary
Incorporate "The Magic Five Hours":
- Partings
- Reunions
- Admiration and appreciation
- Affection
- Weekly date
Relationship drift
Every major relationship has times of drift—when you and your loved one are moving away from rather than toward each other. A cycle of closeness and disconnection is normal and part of even the healthiest and happiest ones.
Outside events, life changes or feelings touching one or both partners can upset times of closeness and lead to such drift. Other common events that can prompt times of drift (and conversely, sometimes serve to bring couples closer together) include:
- Raising children
- Becoming empty nesters
- Personal growth through a new interest or project
- Retirement
- Job loss
- Career change
- Return to work
- Sickness
- Caregiving
Getting your relationship back on track
Often, this cycle of closeness and disconnect goes unnoticed, particularly over the short term. But when periods of drift bring about feelings that your relationship is off track, heed this intuitive alarm: It is alerting you to take action before any harmful relationship patterns or negative emotions like hurt feelings, resentment, or jealousy go unchecked and potentially derail your marriage. Sometimes, feelings of disconnect are one-sided. In this case, it’s important that you not let your partner convince you that your feelings are unfounded and don’t need care.
To renew a sense of closeness when you feel adrift—or to make sure that you will reconnect after normal (even predictable) periods of drift—you must set aside time to be together. While a weekend away from the kids or life distractions is a good way to renew closeness and open the lines of communication, incorporating “together” time into your everyday routine is more useful. Doing so requires that you protect this time by not overcommitting yourself and your family members.
Psychologist and marriage coach John Gottman suggests a plan called “The Magic Five Hours,” which incorporates five hours of together time into the course of a week. Here’s how it adds up:
- Partings: Before you say goodbye in the morning, find out at least one thing that is occurring in your partner’s life that day (two minutes per day, five days a week = 10 minutes).
- Reunions: Have a stress-reducing talk at the end of each workday (20 minutes per day, five days a week = one hour and 40 minutes).
- Admiration and appreciation: Find some way each day to communicate affection and appreciation toward your spouse (five minutes per day, seven days a week = 35 minutes).
- Affection: Kiss, hold and touch each other (five minutes per day, 7 days a week = 35 minutes).
- Weekly date (Two hours once a week).
Relationship enhancement programs and support groups
Relationship enhancement programs and support groups can help aid the renewal of communication and intimacy, as well as help you to build skills in resolving conflict when your marriage is strained. Religious and community-based programs may offer weekend retreats, weekly meetings and workshops that foster marriage building. Some mental health care practices also offer such programs. At-home programs are also available through relationship-enhancement program providers and self-help books.
Marriage counseling
Marital drift that goes unchecked can build momentum, making a mountain out of a molehill. Couples counselors often can give the direction and framework to help couples identify the core issues and resolve them. When seeking the help of a therapist, however, make sure to ask if the person is oriented toward helping couples stay in the marriage.